Ruin Me

47. Stop me

"Fireworks huh?" Ben didn't even look up from the magazine he was reading when I entered his room. He was lying flat on his stomach with his back to me yet he still knew exactly who had entered.

"What?" I stopped dead in the doorway surprised at being caught out.

Across the room Ben's roommate Horace got up from his desk tucked all his books under his arms and headed straight past me towards the door with his head down. Whenever I came in for a chat session with Ben he always left and every time I felt bad but when I voiced this to Ben he just shrugged it off saying that Horace usually went to the library to work anyway and no one was forcing him to go. When he left I still felt guilty though.

"The fireworks," Ben repeated finally turning around to face me and sitting up against the wall, "everyone heard them. That was quite some display."

"Wasn't it?" I grinned and leapt onto the bed beside him, "it was amazing when we watched it."

"Who's idea was it?"

"Nico's and he did them all as well, I mean I was annoyed cause he put himself in danger but it was kind of worth it," I agreed passionately then suddenly pointed at Ben sternly, "don't you dare tell Nico I said that."

"Scouts honour," Ben placed one hand on his heart and the other in the air.

"Did you got to Scouts?" I snorted.

"Shut it," Ben shoved me lightly, "I was a very dedicated member and I can now set up a tent without poles and tie twenty different types of knots. If you wanna go set up a tent in the dead of night without a torch I'm your guy."

"I'll bare that in mind," I chuckled. 

"Did Mitchell enjoy his birthday?" Ben continued.

"Yeah," I nodded honestly, "I think he did."

"Get him anything special?" Ben waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"What's that supposed to mean?" My eyes narrowed.

"I mean come on Cara are you telling me you wouldn't go there. If he batted for the other team I'd definitely go for him."

"I don't wanna talk about this," I shook my head, "I've told you a hundred times, he's just a friend, they all are."

"Did you just smell that?" Ben turned his head to me seriously, "because I think a strong waft of bullshit just went past."

"Aw shut up," I rolled my eyes at his dramatics.

"You're only annoyed cause you know I'm right," Ben tapped the end of my nose playfully.

"You're not right," I stuck out my tongue.

"Stubborn," he accused.

"Drama queen," I retorted instantly.

"Defensive."

"Persistent."

"Secretive."

"Invasive."

"Come on Cara, I feel like I barely know anything about you. There must be a reason you're so adamant not to like any of them?" Ben insisted and my breath caught at how he knew exactly the right question to ask, maybe I wasn't such a closed book after all. He knew I was hiding something.

"Just some previous experiences with boyfriends," I murmured vaguely. Experiences that would make me very very reluctant to trust a guy with my heart ever again.

***

"Cara," he reached out and grabbed my wrist, I was so close to the door and my bag was packed on my shoulder. He'd let me run into our room and pack it but had chosen to stop me exactly when I was within touching distance of the door. He was messing with my mind like always.

"Let me go," I hissed but he only gripped me tighter squeezing my wrist so harshly I knew it would leave marks tomorrow.

"Where are you going to go?" He demanded, "you have nowhere else to go Cara. What are you going to do without me doll?"

"Whatever I want," I whispered desperately trying to keep up my guard against him, I wasn't going to let him get back in my head like the last five times. I'd walk out this time. I promised myself I would.

"Don't be ridiculous Cara, you have nowhere to stay and no one but me to look out for you. You need me Cara so stop being dramatic and put your things back in our room," his voice was soft but laced with authority. He thought he could command me like always, I was the doll he could easily manipulate to do his bidding.

"I don't need you. I'll be fine, I've got my mom," I returned sharply.

"Your moms in the crazy house Cara, she can't take care of you."

"Don't say that," I had tears in my eyes, why was I letting him get to me? "My moms not crazy."

"Whatever you say," he sighed, "but you know I'm right I'm the only person you've got right now so stop being dramatic and come back to bed. We can just watch some TV and forget about this."

"I'm not being dramatic," my blood was starting to boil, "you hit me Jackson. I'm not going to let you keep hurting me."

"I told you I'm sorry," he changed his tone so quickly it gave me whiplash, in an instant his voice was sickly sweet and face the picture of apologetic.

"I'm done with your apologies," I snapped, "you never change Jackson. Never." My voice was steadily rising and I knew he hated it when I stood up to him so I could tell he was getting ready to meet my anger and beat it.

"So you really think anyone else is going to want you Cara?" My head snapped back at the force of the cruelty in his words, "do you think any other guy is going to put up with you? Your life is a walking shit show Cara, you're lucky I put up with it but any other guy might not be so kind. I'm only doing all of this cause I care about you baby doll. Who else would do all of this?"

"Someone else will love me," my tears were slowly trickling down my cheeks now and I hated their betrayal, they were letting him know he'd won.

"Poor naive Cara," he tucked a hair behind my ear patronisingly, "I'm the only one for you. Do you really think anyone else would deal with all the fuss you cause doll?"

"Yes," I whispered my voice cracking slightly. I was anything but convincing.

"I promise you Cara you'll never find someone you cares about you as much as I do. I'm the one for you Cara and you'll never be able you find anything like this."

Then he pressed his lips to mine and began kissing me, for a moment I stood there unresponsive before like a statue of ice melting I slowly began to move again. I reacted to his kiss by lightly kissing him back but hating myself as I did so. I hated myself for how pathetic and weak I was being again. I was so much better than this. I hated how he made me forget what I stood for and I hated that every part of my brain was screaming for me not to do this but my body had complete control and I couldn't stop myself.

I was so close to the door, only an arms reach but it felt like so much further, a thousand miles away. It became even further when Jackson scooped me up and carried me away from the door back to the bedroom.

Next time I would walk out, I was sure of it.

***

"Promise you'll tell me one day?" Ben's face was heavy with sadness, I knew he hated me shutting him out but at the same time he understood I just couldn't let him in yet, "whenever you're ready yeah?"

"I promise," I nodded meeting his eyes directly, "I will tell you everything."

I'd tell him how I got out that door once and for all. Not how it took months and months but how in the end I won.