Ruin Me

60. With me

"Morning cupcake,"  there was a finger stroking along the side of my face.

"Mmm," I moaned into my pillow in my just-woke-up deep voice as I stretched out my legs and curled my toes.

"I made you some breakfast," his voice was soft and loving in a way that made me feel dizzy. He had a way of making me feel like I was the all that mattered, the very centre of his universe. I rolled over to see the tray he'd placed next to me on his bed; a plate of fluffy pancakes drizzled with maple syrup and a mug of steaming coffee rested on top. I couldn't help the grin that broke out on my face.

"Thank you," I grinned pecking him on the lips as I curled my legs into a crossed leg position eager to tuck into my breakfast. I'd just picked up the fork Jackson had brought when I noticed how his expression had switched, he was no longer smiling, he was an entirely different person now. Clouds of anger had migrated their way across his face darkening his eyes to the storm I knew to fear. I should have known he hadn't made me this breakfast out of kindness. He wanted to guilt trip me, he was painting himself the good one, the one who cared and made an effort. I placed my fork down, my appetite replaced with knots of fear.

"You were back late last night," there it was, and the accusation that went with those words.

"I went for a walk," I shrugged hoping if I kept my voice casual he would remain calm too.

"By yourself?"

"Of course," I returned shortly but knew immediately that that was the wrong thing to say when a brightness illuminated his eyes with a ferocious heat.

"Of course," he imitated me his voice slicing violently through the air, suddenly he was flipping the tray and the contents on it went flying across the room, I heard the plate shatter but the noise seemed quiet compared to the furious pounding of my heart in my chest. "How the fuck am I meant to know that you're on your own Cara? You don't let me know anything. You stay out late but 'of course' you're on your own. I'm the idiot for not realising? Yet I make you breakfast and you throw everything back in my face like the ungrateful piece of shit that you are."

Suddenly he was pushing me backwards and he was on top of me, when I looked in his eyes they were feral, filled with a kind of unfiltered animalistic anger that made my blood run cold. His hands wrapped themselves around my neck so hard I could already feel bruised blossoming. I gasped for air as panic rose up in my throat constricting my ability to breath. I honestly in that moment believed that he could kill me. I pressed my eyes shut so I wouldn't have to look into his eyes and see who he truly was.

~

My eyes shot open with a start as I gasped in a huge breath like the one you take when you've stayed under water for too long and come back up gulping for air. I kicked my sheets off me as instantly they felt oppressive and heavy, like Jackson's weight crushing down onto my ribcage.

Around me my room was still dark and silent and a glance at my clock revealed it was 4 am. I rolled out of bed not wanting to be there anymore, the smell of sheets and the feel of the mattress only reminded me of him. I knew trying to fall back to sleep would be pointless as well. I was fully awake, adrenaline still pumping through my system. I needed to get out.

It seemed like hours ago when I'd left my room last needing to escape yet it had been mere hours. I hated the thought of that, was I becoming so weak that I could barely go hours without having another meltdown or flashback. Jackson seemed to be constantly controlling my mind, pulling all the strings inside my brain and knowing precisely what each one would do to me. He knew me better than I knew myself.