Ruin Me

54. Hold me

If only I could swallow my own words and keep them tucked inside me for safe keeping. I never should've said that, as soon as the words had left my mouth all I wanted to do was gulp them up. I couldn't bare the boys pitiful states that bored holes into my skin and made me want to shrivel up onto the sterile white floor.

"I um ... I didn't mean it like that," I faltered in my rush to get the words out, I needed to explain myself but the right order of words wouldn't form in my head. Nothing sounded right, "I didn't mean that I wanted to die. I just wanted to see her, that sounds crazy I know, I just had this really urgent need to see her. The thought of me dying from it never even crossed my mind, I just ... I .. I just wanted to see her again."

The last sentence came out pathetically weak, in barely more than a whisper. I stared at the floor aggressively not wanting to look up and meet anyone's gazes, I couldn't bare to see their expressions. It was too awful, I shouldn't handle their sympathy especially after I'd put all their lives at risk.

"Cara," I hadn't realised Nico was right in front of me until I glanced up and saw him standing directly before me, his face lined with the concern I'd expected but something else too. Understanding. In his gaze I saw a deep rooted feeling of acknowledgement of my feelings, "I need some fresh air, do you want to come with me?"

"Yes," I nodded eagerly, I hadn't realised how desperately I needed to be outside until he'd mentioned it, the smell of bleach and antiseptic had filled my nose and was making my eyes burn.

Nico slipped his hand into mine and gave it a minuscule squeeze of reassurance. I let him guide me towards the door still not tilting my head up to meet anyone else's eyes. I walked blindly behind him through the maze of identical looking corridors, my hand still cocooned in his.

As soon as we stepped outside I felt myself practically gulping for air, I enjoyed the cool feel of it down my throat and the reassuring breeze on my face. Sunlight was creeping out from behind a shroud of clouds and warmed my cheeks. I basked in the fresh air away from the claustrophobic atmosphere of illness inside.

"Thanks," I pulled up a half smile towards Nico, I was so grateful for his attentiveness towards me.

"Come here," Nico perched on the steps leading out of the hospital and tugged me down beside him. I sat on the edge of the hard step and looked up at Nico trying to see past his dark eyes to find out what he was thinking underneath.

"About what I said earlier," I began hesitantly but Nico cut across me;

"I get it I really do," he interrupted insistently, "I would do anything to see my mom too sometimes. I miss her so insanely much that I would do just about anything to see her again."

"Exactly," I nodded insistently, that perfectly described what it felt like.

"I hate hospitals they remind me of her as well, but the bad side of her life. She was always in the hospital at the end of her life. Every time I go in them I'm reminded of how she looked in the hospital bed hooked up to hundreds of wires and looking so ill. That's why I've been trying to make jokes all morning, I do it to hide how uncomfortable I am, to pretend to be fine when really every time I step into a hospital I get this sick feeling and all I want to do is sprint towards the nearest exit."

"I'm so sorry," I rested my head on Nico's shoulder in solidarity, I could tell it was hard for him to admit all this. He was peeling back the layers of his bravado, his protective shield, he was always joking and making everyone else laugh which I thought was to make everyone else feel comfortable. That was probably true in part but mainly he was doing it to disguise his own discomfort. Nico was like me, he didn't want to show his feelings and be seen as vulnerable. I was glad he felt safe enough around me now to tell me this though, a warm feeling swelled inside me. I loved being trusted by them, it made me feel special in a way that I couldn't explain. I wanted to be a part of their lives so completely.

"It's better now, it gets less painful every year but I know it will always be there," Nico gave a half smile in an attempt to still be positive.

"I hope it does," I sighed. The loss of my mom was still raw but I could feel it beginning to heal, like a wound that's been stitched over and bit by bit becomes less painful until you forget it's there at all. I know I'll always be left with the reminder though, the scar knitted right across my heart.

 "You shouldn't keep those feelings locked up inside," Nico continued, "it eats away at you. maybe you think none of us will understand but we do, in some way. Sawyer lost his birth mom as well and Grey lost his dad, not quite in the same way but I'm sure he'd be able to understand some of what you're feeling. What I'm trying to say is that you're not alone. I know that I drive myself mad sometimes going round and round in my own head making myself feel so completely isolated but you don't have to do that Cara. We want to help."

 I wasn't sure at what point tears had started creeping out from under my eyelids but I could feel their steady trickle down my cheeks and salty taste on my tongue. Slowly I leaned my head down to rest it on Nico's shoulder where it nestled perfectly in the crook of his neck like it was made to be there. This time I didn't wipe away my tears in shame but let them continue their journey and drip in heartbroken droplets off my chin.  

 "Thank you," I whispered quietly knowing those two pathetic words weren't enough to express my gratitude, "I'll try to be more open with all of you."

 "In your own time, no pressure," Nico smoothed back my hair with one hand and caught a stray strand that had fluttered over my forehead between my fingers and tucked it behind my ear before letting his arm rest behind me.

 We sat in silence like that with my head pressed onto his shoulder and his arm hugging me from behind, like two puzzle pieces fitted together while we waited for the rest of the world to attatch itself around us. 

 A small smile fell on my lips as I thought what my mom would say if she could see me now, I pictured her standing in front of me in all her shining glory. Her shining hair would be tossed up into a haphazard ponytail and yesterdays mascara slightly smudged under her eyes, she'd be wearing her favourite black satin pyjamas with her arms folded across her chest.

 "You better keep a hold of those boys Cara, men like that don't come along very often and when they do you got to grab hold of them and never let go, you hear me," then she'd tuck a tendril of hair behind her ear and throw her head back and emit one loud cackling laugh from between her painted red lips, "thank god you didn't inherit your bad choice in men from me!" 

 I smiled despite myself, I knew she would've put it perfectly, I couldn't let the Kings Bridge boys go. Not now, not ever.

Hi! I wanted to apologise for the long wait and thank you all for being patient with me, I've been insanely busy recently and had to deal with some personal issues but I'm back on track now and more inspired to keep up with this story than ever. Hope you enjoy this chapter and the next one which will be coming shortly. Also I wanted to say thank you for all the amazingly kind comments as your feedback and engaging with the story means so much to me and I'm eternally grateful, so yeah, thanks!

Alby