Ruin Me

19. Leave me

"Do rules not apply to you four?"

The five of us stared up at my dad with guilty eyes and a palpable tension hung between us.

"That wasn't a rhetoric question," dad continued, he had the classic stern teachers voice, "I'm genuinely interested, do rules not apply to you four? Is that why Cara's door isn't open because I do specifically remember saying when girls and boys are in the same room the door must be open. Or was I just speaking to myself."

"Dad," I complained, "we just forgot."

"No excuses Cara, rules are rules for a reason," dad's murderous gaze flicked over each of the boys making them glance away uncomfortably, "now get out."

The Silent Boys didn't need to be told twice, they darted out of the room at such a speed it was impressive. As much as I disliked my dad he had that air of authority about him that you couldn't learn. You were either born with it or you weren't.

"I was having fun," I narrowed my eyes at him in irritation.

All week I'd been purposely avoiding him and he knew it, if I saw him in the corridors I'd change direction. In the dining hall I would sit at the furthest spot away from him. Each evening I would spend my time with either The Silent Boys or Ben and when he tried to visit would excuse myself due to invented large amounts of homework.

"I had to pull a lot of strings to get you to stay here Cara and the only way you're going to be able to stay is if you keep to the rules," dad warned.

"Then why stop me? You don't want me here so if I break the rules that's just an easy way out for you," my voice was knife sharp.

Dad shook his head sadly, "don't be ridiculous, I want you to stay Cara."

"Really?" I cocked a skeptical eyebrow.

"Of course, you're my daughter,"

"Well you seemed to forget about that for fifteen years," I snapped, the heat was already starting to bubble away inside me.

"This isn't the place to discuss this," I hated how condescending his voice was, like he was talking to a misbehaving child. I wanted him to get angry, to scream back at me, "let me take you to dinner, we haven't spent any time together recently and I'm sorry for that. The first few weeks of term are always manic but I want you to know that from now on I'm making it a priority to spend time with you."

I wanted to believe him, I really did, and he sounded so sincere. I'd spent my whole life wishing to spend time with him. But now he was offering it I was just so scared that he would let me down again, people always let you down eventually.

"I've got a lot of homework," I told him bluntly.

"You can do that tomorrow," dad used his no nonsense voice, "this isn't optional."

"So I'm being forced to go to dinner with you," I rolled my eyes, "how delightful."

"I think you're being a bit unreasonable here Cara, I'm really trying," dad didn't even raise his voice, he just used the same authoritative tone.

"I'm being unreasonable here?" I repeated incredulously, "I'm not the one forcing my daughter away from important school work."

"All I want is a few hours of your time, I'll take you to this local restaurant that does really nice burgers," I was surprised when dads voice switched to slightly pleading, he didn't seem so tough for a split second when he implored, "please Cara, I really want to make this work."

I stared at him, it was so weird seeing him like this after all the years imagining him, picturing all the conversations we'd have. This was seven year old Cara's dream to go out on a meal with her dad. I could almost hear my younger self screaming at me to take up his offer, to make up for all the years I'd missed. But I wasn't that naive seven year old any more, if I let him gain my trust was he just going to burn it?

"Fine," I decided, it was just dinner after all and avoiding him in the corridors was becoming a pain so I might as well get us on speaking terms.

"Thank you," dads whole face seemed to brighten.

"I'll meet you by the front entrance in twenty minutes then," I allowed.

"Thank you Cara," again sincerity dropped off his every word, "truly."

"It's okay," I shrugged, I hoped he wasn't going to get all emotional because I couldn't stand that, but he didn't seem the type to be sentimental. Maybe that was something we had in common?

The drive to the restaurant was the definition of uncomfortable, dad asked me the typical school questions which I have one word answers to until he finally gave up. Then we drove in silence, him looking at the road and me out the window.

The silence continued even as we were sat at our table both pretending to be thoroughly absorbed in our menus so we didn't have to make more awkward conversation.

After we'd given our orders and the waitress had taken our menus there was nothing to hide behind any more.

"How are you then Cara?" I tensed a little. I hated that question, no one really wanted to know how you were, they just wanted to hear what they expected;

"Fine."

"I'm really trying here Cara," dads voice became strained and he looked more vulnerable than I'd ever seen him.

"What like you tried to come and visit me all those years?" I batted back instantly.

"I did try to find you Cara," dads voice was heart stoppingly serious, "your mom and I were nothing more than kids when you were born. I was a different person then, a dumb, irresponsible teenager. I left and I regretted going so every day since. I tried to find you and your mom later but you were very difficult people to track down. Your mom must've changed her number and there was no address I could find for you. Trust me I tried."

"Clearly not hard enough," my voice was thick with emotion and I hated myself for how weak I sounded.

"Please believe me Cara," dad shook his head despairingly.

"Why should I?" I demanded, "you left when I was three."

"And it was the worst mistake of my life," dad sighed heavily and I could see the lifetime of regret weighing him down into the ground. I could see it in the frown lines on his forehead and hunch of his shoulders and I knew in my heart that he was telling the truth, "if I could take it all back and stay I would."

"Did you love her?" I asked suddenly not sure how the words escaped past my lips, "don't worry, forget I asked that."

"Love your mom?" I nodded slowly. "We were so young Cara, we were only seventeen when she fell pregnant with you."

"That wasn't my question," I sighed wishing I'd never asked it, "you stayed for three years, so did you love her?"

"Yes," suddenly he seemed twenty years older, his face shadowed by pain, "I did love her. Your mom was an amazing woman Cara."

"I know," I forced my voice to remain emotionless.

I was not going to cry, I refused to let myself.

"I lost her too Cara, I know it's not the same but her death, it was hard for me too."

I hadn't even thought about that. As I really studied my dad for the first time I could see the man who'd never got married and the teenager who'd been forced to grow up so quickly. They were both there, the boy who'd given up was still present in the man who couldn't let go of the past. That's when it dawned on me, he was still in love with her. He'd never forgotten about the vivacious woman he'd spent fifteen years apart from. The first girl he'd ever been in love with, the woman who'd given birth to his only child, the partner he'd lived with for three years. He'd never moved on from that.

"I'm sorry," my voice was so quiet for a second I thought he hadn't heard me but then he looked up and met my eyes. In his eyes I could see the tortured soul of a man who'd had to live with one rash decision he'd made for the rest of his life.

"No, I'm sorry Cara, you're the one who really lost her. I'm sure she was an amazing mom."

"Yes," I found myself smiling faintly, "she was."