Ruin Me

58. Surpress me

"It's nothing," I blurted trying to wriggle free from Mitch's grasp but his arms were locked in place as if they were made of wood, keeping me in position.

"It's not nothing Cara," Mitch insisted,

Grey's eyes were flickering between each of us quickly unable to focus on any of us for more than a second before passing on.

"There was a loud bang, it shocked me," I shrugged simply, "that's all."

"Sure," Mitch grumbled sarcastically, "that's all."

"What?" Grey's face twisted in a mixture of concern and confusion.

"She started trembling and shaking, I thought she was having some kind of fit," Sawyer explained in a low tone, I felt his thumb draw a slow circle on my skin just above my elbow.

"I'm fine," I huffed in annoyance, I hadn't wanted to tell Grey and have him treat me like a fragile doll just like all the other two would.

"Like hell you are," Mitch objected harshly. I only rolled my eyes but didn't complain as I knew I'd just be shut down.

"Cara?" Grey's eyes fixated on me now staring so deep into my depths that I needed to look away but I couldn't. I was sucked up in the murky grey swirls of his iris's.

"It just reminded me of the gunshot," I found myself saying as if he was pulling the truth literally out if my lips, "I promise I'm okay now. It just made me jump."

"Cara," Grey whispered and his whole face softened dramatically and he became a whole different person to the angry figure he'd been before.

"I'm fine," I snapped throwing my hands up with palms upwards in annoyance.

"Your always fine," Grey crouched down beside me his face full to the brim of understanding, "your mom dies and your fine, you move to a whole new state and your fine, you argue with your dad and your fine, you get threatened with a gun and almost killed and your fine. It's okay not to be fine."

I stared at him for a moment, I was half proud of myself that I'd actually pulled the whole facade off, I'd actually convinced them that in some way I was fine. The better half of me felt defeated though, they'd seen me now and there could be no taking back the damaged side of me they'd seen. I'd been careless and let my perfect mask of strength slip for a moment to reveal the broken and ruined real me underneath.

"But I am fine," I swore again, willing to do anything to keep that mask fixed firmly in place. With greater determination this time I managed to break my way out of Mitch's arms that no longer felt like the comforts of a bed but rather the confines of a jail. All their concern, their understanding was so oppressive. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me, pitying me. I could look after myself, just like I'd always done.

"What's the matter?" Mitch implored as I stood up trying to distance myself from the crushing weight of their concern.

"I need some air," I mumbled vaguely and headed straight out my bedroom door leaving them all still sat on my floor with our abandoned homework that I'd long forgotten about.

My march out of the dorms and onto the clean cut grass spreading out from Kings Bridge was full of pent up fury. I stormed with no care of direction or distance until I found myself amid a tight cluster of trees who's earthy scent seemed to cool me down.

I collapsed against one of their gnarled trunks and sunk into the spongy leaf coated ground. The sky was beginning to darken as afternoon shifted to night and the trees cast eery dark shadows onto the ground. I enjoyed the slightly ominous atmosphere, it filled me with a sense of peace. In Vegas I'd spent most nights wondering around in the dark getting lost before finding my way again. I found comfort in the darkness and the secrets it could hide. Being alone was a relief as well, at Kings Bridge I rarely felt like I was alone, someone was always bursting through my bedroom door or walking by my side and as much as I liked that I missed the independence I'd had, the self reliance that comforted me when I was alone. I only had to depend on myself when I lived with my mom because I was on my own the majority of the time. I liked it that way.