Forgetting Roman

{six}

{six}

                With Roman there were good and bad times. Even though the good times were rare, those were the moments that made me fall for him. The times we spent together alone and acted like a real couple effected me in a way I never thought I’d feel for someone, but the times when his addiction and ways got to be too much were the times that I asked myself what I was doing with him.

 I never wanted to get attached to someone who caused so much internal conflict.

                With Roman it was a constant battle over right and wrong and some nights he was the reason why the voices were louder than ever.

                It was getting harder to fight the demons, harder to fight my own addictions, and in the end he was my downfall. It was no use, little by little, day by day, I lost control and the demons took over.

                And in the beginning he was there. He tried to help like Parker had. He was there every time I had a breakdown. Every time I looked in the mirror and saw nothing but imperfections he stood behind me and pointed out everything right with me.

                He kissed every self inflicted wound I gave myself and told me I was better than that. He tried to help but his patience with someone as mentally fucked up as I was only lasted so long.

++

                “Let’s try something different today,” Dr. James said as she set down her notepad and leaned forward in her seat across from me. “I’m going to be asking you questions and you’re going to reply with only ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Okay?”

                In my seat, I shrugged and continued to play with the end of my sleeve.

                Dr. James cleared her throat before she began.

                “Have you been eating?” she started.

                “Yes,” I replied knowing that her first few questions were going to be easy.

                “Have you been going out like we discussed?”

                “Yes,” I replied thinking back to the night Livvy dragged me out to the bar.

                “That’s great Aspen. We’re making progress here.”

                I remained silent but met her gaze. She was smiling. A part of her thought I was getting better; she thought I was making progress from the answers I was giving her questions. However, what she didn’t know was that she was asking all the wrong questions.

                “Alright, next question,” Dr. James continued, “Have you had any more urges to harm yourself?”

                “Yes,” I replied bluntly.

                Dr. James’ smile slowly disappeared and a more serious expression took over, “Have you hurt yourself, Aspen?”

                I mimicked her early actions and leaned forward in my seat, “No.” I told her and it wasn’t a lie. I hadn’t hurt myself but that didn’t mean I didn’t hold the blade to my skin and cry as I tried to drag it over my skin but never did. I couldn’t. And after an hour of crying in the shower under the cold spray, I dropped the blade and cried some more.

                I had won that night. I just hoped that I could keep fighting.