Forgetting Roman

{fourteen}

{fourteen}

                “I saw him again,” I told Dr. James days later when it was time for another scheduled meeting. She sat in her usual spot with her notepad and pen poised, ready to jot down notes from our latest session.

                “Roman?” she asked just to make sure we were both on the same page.

                I nodded.

                “And what happened?”

                “I walked away,” I told her as I began to play with my fingers.

                Dr. James smiled and set her notebook and pen down on the table besides her seat. “And how did you feel the moment you laid eyes on him?”

                “Nothing,”

                “You felt nothing?”

                “I felt absolutely nothing,”

                Dr. James nodded as she leaned forward. One of her elbows was placed on her knee while the other was resting on the warm rest of her chair. She studied me for what seemed to be hours.

I knew what she saw.

                She saw me playing with my fingers, she saw the lack of sleep in my eyes, and she saw I was telling the truth. Yet, she knew the emotions came after I walked away that night.

                “And how do you feel now about seeing him again?” she questioned.

                “Angry,” I replied, “confused; hurt.”

                “And those are all normal emotions to feel, Aspen. That boy hurt you in ways you still haven’t discussed with me. I could help you, Aspen. If you told me what exactly happened while you two were together, I could help you understand why you feel those emotions towards him.” She told me.

                “I don’t want to understand why I feel those things towards him,” I snapped at her. “I don’t want to feel anything towards him.”

                “Do you still feel something towards Roman, Aspen?”

                I shook my head, “The only thing I feel towards him, is the urge to kick him where it really hurts.”

                “Violence is never the answer,”

                I nodded, “I know.” I told her. “But physically hurting him might let him in on the emotion pain he put me through when he left.”

                “Holding a grudge isn’t good for your health,”

                “Neither was he.”