Forgetting Roman

{twenty-two}

{twenty-two}

                After leaving the party, I hailed a cab and paid the driver once he pulled up at my dorm building. The moment I swiped the key card and accessed entrance into the building, I took the elevator that was actually working for the first time in months and stumbled into my room.

                As I stripped off my heels and dress, I couldn’t help but agree with what Livvy had said earlier in the night. Halloween was always a night filled with surprises. Tonight sure had been.

                I sighed as I plugged my phone into the charger and grabbed the pair of yoga pants and over-sized T-Shirt I had been wearing earlier, along with some undergarments and headed for the shower.

                After everything that had happened tonight, I felt dirty both because house parties tended to be disgusting and because for the first time in months I had been so close to secrets of my past. No one was proud of the mistakes they had made when they were younger. Neither was I, but I had made so many mistakes in the time that I had been involved with Roman that I never wanted anyone to find out about them.

Under the running water I shut my eyes and let the warmth drench me from head to toe.

                “Because we were perfect together, flaws and all.” Roman’s words echoed in my head and I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter.

                He’s right, the voice in my head that had been absent for weeks said, you two were perfect for each other. Everyone envied you. You had the perfect boyfriend, the perfect family, the perfect brother, and circle of friends.

                I shook my head side to side and gripped my wet hair at the root. Shut up. I told the voice.

                But you were never satisfied were you? Roman didn’t care about your psychotic past. He never judged you. Why did you judge him with his? He was lost. Like you.

                SHUT UP.

                You never deserved him!

                Stop it.

                You never satisfied him. That’s why he turned to smoking more often, drinking a lot more. That’s why he cheated on you. Remember that, Aspen? The voice kept taunting. It was getting harder to ignore. The words were loud and clear. The more I tried to ignore them, the harder it got.

He cheated on you.

                Shut. Up.

                You do remember. The voice laughed. It was wicked and bitter. Remember how weeks after he left, Noelle finally broke down and told you she was sleeping with him behind your back since the very beginning? Remember that argument? How it began over something stupid and ended with truth being spilt?

                Stop. I pleaded. I didn’t want to hear the rest. Please.

                But the best part was that you were cheating on him also. Do you remember with whom, Aspen?

                “I remember!” I cried out as I snapped my eyes open and looked down at the running water. A blue tint that came from my freshly dyed hair blended into the water as I swirled around the drain. However, somehow during the time I had been mentally arguing with my conscious like the crazy person I was, I had grabbed the razor that I used to shave my legs and broken it leaving only the thin, yet sharp blades in my hands.

                I had cut- repeatedly all over my wrists.

                My red blood mixed in with the blue tint of my hair dye and created a washed out, faint purple. Even though the water from the shower head hit my face, I could taste my tears as they mixed in with the streams of water running down my face and onto my lips.

                “I remember,” I sobbed as I slowly slid down in the tub.

                The voice inside my head laughed again. Say his name out loud. It demanded as I continued to bleed and cry in the shower. I shook my head and buried my face into my knees.

                I couldn’t.

                SAY IT!

                I squeezed my eyes tighter and sobbed harder. It took awhile but I finally said it out loud for the first time- ever.

                “Dylan,” I said through uncontrollable sobs. “I cheated on Roman with Dylan.”