alternate feelings || bws

chapter one || "tell me himself"

When a lot of people know you, or know of you I should say, you're easily judged and I have so many rumours flooding the college about me I have no idea what is actually true anymore. They know my name and then they choose whatever follows that. It's not that I'm bullied, people just have a lot of opinions on me and some are negative.

Being popular in a building like this wasn't exactly on my agenda, you get so many fake friends and when you begin to trust them and tell them something personal the next day everyone is talking about it and it's spreading like the plague. I tend to stick to myself and if people decide to follow me everywhere I go and sit where I sit it's up to them, I'll talk to them but I'm not friends with them; I'm not really friends with anyone anymore.

Walking in on your best friend hanging from a rope tied to her ceiling light really affects you, believe it or not. I didn't know what to do, it didn't process in my head that she actually hung herself until after a few seconds of just staring at her and then I took action, I unwrapped the noose from her neck, sobbing as I did so, repeating the same words over and over again; you're okay. She fell to the floor lifelessly and I just cradled her to my chest, crying and begging her to come back. Obviously that was the gossip the next day and I totally lost my shit, flipping a table over and walking out with my middle finger raised high.

She didn't show any signs of her wanting to commit suicide, at least I didn't think so at the time, she was so happy and wore a smile on her face wherever she went. She instantly brightened the room when she walked in and I still wait for her at our table every single day. When the day of her funeral rolled around, making everything so much more real, I began to think about how she was acting the day before and of her death.

I knew she wasn't the same, I kept asking her what was wrong and trying to cheer her up with stupid knock-knock jokes and played our favourite music, the songs we always got up and danced to. She didn't get up and dance with me, she just told me she was fine, that she was just tired and feeling under the weather. There was so many things I could have done, I could have called her out on her obvious lie and get her to tell me what was wrong, I could have hugged her and told her that I was always here. I could have told her that I loved her. Then the could haves turned to should haves.

The day after her funeral, in the bathroom stalls at college I looked at the writing covering the walls as I never fully payed attention to it and saw my best friends name up there as well as the words "kill yourself". I found out who did that and her face met my fist a couple of times until she was knocked unconscious and I walked away from her, hoping she would suffer.

I also saw various people calling me a slut but I don't understand how I could be a slut if I was a virgin, bit of an oxymoron if you ask me. However, the word slut really pisses me off; let girls live without you calling them frigid for not having sex and a slut when they finally do.

My eating disorder began to get worse over time, instead of not eating to look lovely I started not eating because I deserved it. I limited my intake on food and I'm slowly watching the flesh waste away and for my bones to stick out. I was watching myself slowly die and everyone was too, they complimented me on it, telling me how much weight I was losing and how good and "healthy" I looked. Then it turned back into doing it to make me look like societies version of beautiful.

"Lauren!" Kirstie, maybe one of the only girls I like in this place, shouts my name and I wait for her to catch up to me. "Hey, how are you?" She asks, looking behind her to smile at her boyfriend and his friends that he's always with.

"I'm fine." I softly smile at her, it's obviously fake but I think only I know that.

"So, Luisa is throwing a party tonight and she was wondering if you would come." She tells me and I furrow my eyebrows, Luisa hasn't spoken a word to me in her entire life, why the sudden interest?

"Could she not ask me herself?"

"She's using her tongue with something else right now." She grimaces and I follow her glance to find it shoved down Connor Ball's throat, her boyfriend. "I also want you to come." She sheepishly smiles at me and I sigh, giving in with a nod. "I'm sorry about Olivia too; I didn't really get a chance to say anything to you the day after it happened."

"Thanks." I say, thinking back to the image of my dead best friend that occurred just two weeks ago but it feels like just yesterday. "I appreciate it."

"Brad wanted me to send his condolences as well." She adds, Brad? Brad hates me.

I didn't know why Brad hated me, ever since the first day of college we strongly disliked each other then it slowly turned into hate. We hadn't spoken two words to each other, I had accidentally bumped into him one time and he called me a slut before walking away but not before jamming into my shoulder knocking me over and then walking away laughing. I had bitched about him to Olivia ever since then but she put it down to the fact that he liked me, she was very naïve and into all the clichés and I loved that about her.

"Tell him to tell me himself." I roll my eyes and she lightly laughs and says she'll tell him that.

We both bid goodbye and I watch her walk away and back to her group, James instantly putting his arm around her as she speaks to Brad, she actually told him. I shake my head with a smile on my face as I begin to walk away and a girl instantly starts walking beside me and I unwillingly enter a one sided conversation with her. She does all the talking and I do none of the listening just nodding along with her babbling.

I hear Oliva's name and she's probably saying how lovely she was and that she will be very missed but this girl didn't even know her, Olivia had actually told me once that the girl had walked away from her when she tried to talk about the assignment they were partnered up for. Everyone was bitches to her and I don't understand how they have the nerve to mention her. One day I am going to just turn around and slap them.

"Piss off Kelsey, I need to talk to Lauren." An unfamiliar voice says and as I turn around to inspect the owner of it I'm met with Brad Simpson and as if it was a reaction my eyes rolled.

The girl that I now know as Kelsey said bye and that she would see me later and I nodded, not really paying attention to her. It wouldn't really affect me if she didn't come see me later, which I hope she doesn't.

"Listen, you're a bitch and everything-"

"Who do you honestly think you're talking to? I've never even spoken a word to you and you have the audacity to come over here and call me a bitch. What the fuck have I ever done to you?" I snap, I wanted the slap the shit out of this incredibly good looking arsehole.

"You pushed me." He shrugs, still walking along side me.

"I pushed you? I pushed you! Do you live in some type of alternate reality, I accidently walked into you, you absolute dickhead."

"Whatever, just shut up and listen to me. I'm sorry you're friend killed herself."

"I love the sincerity." I sarcastically say. "Liv always convinced me you were alright, that I shouldn't be so harsh on you but she always tried to see the good in people-"

"You should have taken her advice, you're normally not the type of girl I would go for but I mean you're fit so I would give you a go." He interrupts me, my hatred towards him was bubbling in the pit of my stomach.

"Sorry, STD's aren't really my thing." I sarcastically smile and he scoffs before muttering some shit about me, calling me all the names under the sun before walking off in the opposite direction but not before bumping my shoulder.

I rub my temples as I continue walking to my next class, it was almost time for me to be there and since I wasn't going to be doing anything else and random cunts kept coming up to me to tell me how sorry they were for Liv's death I would prefer to be in an empty classroom and out of the way.

I reach my English Literature classroom and sit in the seat at the back and go to pull out my phone from my back pocket but nothing was there, I rummaged through my bag and checked my jacket pockets but it wasn't anywhere to be found.

I'm going to fucking kill him.