alternate feelings || bws

chapter twenty eight || "i'm sorry"

I stare out the rain covered coffee shop's window, tears streaming down my face mirroring the rain. My hands were firmly gripping the hot coffee cup in my hands, my knuckles turning white. My phone was set on the table, waiting for a call from the hospital.

During the night my dad had completely stopped being able to breath by himself, having to be put on life support to keep his heart beating and him breathing. He may wake up and he may not, I may be able to say my goodbyes to him whilst he can hear me or I will be saying goodbye to his soul.

They had given me the choice; a decision I would have never thought I would have to make. They had called me during first period, I immediately ran to the hospital with the teacher calling after me and my peers watching me in confusion.

I hadn't told anyone where I was going, I wasn't answering any of the calls that were coming through or the numerous texts. I was just impatiently waiting for that call from the number I had memorised during my three hours sat in the coffee shop across the road. The waiters and waitresses all asking me if I was okay and, if I needed them to call anyone to which I just ignored them. Scared that if I talk I'll break into even heavier tears than I am currently in.

My dad was already gone, he had been for weeks now; he was just too good at pretending and as was I. I pretended that he was okay for so long that I actually started to believe it myself, visiting him in the hospital each and every day and believing the smile he put on his face.

I already know my decision to their choice, perhaps not mine but it was his. If it was up to me, I would make him live a painless life and out live me so I didn't have to go through the pain of losing him. Selfish I know, but I just don't know how I'll even live without him. My dad was the person I love the most on this whole entire world, in this whole entire universe. He was my rock, he was my everything, he was the best dad I could have ever asked for and I should have told him that more.

I regret becoming so distant with him, only becoming close because of the cancer that was overtaking his body second by second. He wasn't himself anymore, he was totally different but in his eyes I still see the shadow of the man he used to be and he was begging to be set free and this was the only way he could be.

My phone begins ringing, the phone number embedded in my brain shows up and I quickly grab my phone and swipe to answer. I listen to every word they say and how they pronounce each syllable, with a tear falling after each word. He was basically already gone, they just needed my permission to turn it off.

I break out into sobs as I hang up, my head falling in my hands as I pull at my hair. My heart has broken into a million pieces and it was creating an unbearable pain in my chest.

I stand up abruptly, leaving some money on the table and grabbing my jacket and bag before sprinting across the road and to the room I will remember for the rest of my life.

They stopped me before I could go in, saying that if I would like the machines to turn off I would have to sign a consent form and my eyes rolled, I'm not signing to allow my child to go on a field trip. I sign it never the less and they say they will give me time with him before they do so, which I appreciate a lot more than I let on.

I enter the room, my dad in front of me with tubes coming out of everywhere and as pale as paper. It takes me back to when I found Liv, they looked eerily similar and I don't know if I can even step a foot more forward.

"I'm sorry dad, I'm sorry for all the tantrums, I'm sorry for all the doors in your face, I'm sorry for being a complete bitch to you for the majority of my life. I'm sorry I took you for granted, I'm sorry I didn't make more of an effort. I'll make you proud, I promise. I'll get into the music uni, I'll get a scholarship. I'll do everything we planned, I'll praise Scotland to the high gods and be proud of where I came from because it's where you did. I'll miss you so much. I love you, daddy, and I'm sorry for not saying it more than I should have. I just don't like saying it because everyone I say it too leaves and I didn't want you to go, but you have to. I love you." I sob, quickly stepping forward and grabbing his cold hand and placing a kiss to is cheek, my endless tears dripping onto his face and I rush out of the room.

Not baring to watch another minute, to know what they are doing right in front of my eyes or even in the same building as me. Somehow I end up back at college, on mine and Liv's bench and I look up at the sky.

"Look after him, Olivia, he may act tough but he's far from it." I whisper.

He's going to be with the love of his life again, he'll be with my mum again.

I see people leaving the building, it must be lunch as I see them sit at the picnic benches and retrieve food from their back packs.

I see my friends leave the building as a group, all with smiles on their faces except Brad. He was frowning at his phone; he was going to leave me next. I had to leave before I got left.

I stand up, not bothering to wipe my face. It was red and blotchy so what worse was tear stains going to do. I walk up to him and he looks up, his mouth parting.

He grabs my hand and pulls me away from everyone and I let him, not exactly wanting people to hear what I was about to say. Especially Tristan as I was about to break his promise.

"What's happened?" He asks me and I fight everything in me that's telling me not to go, telling me to tell him everything and confide in him.

He wipes my eyes and tucks my hair behind my ear and I almost gave into him, almost.

I couldn't face the pain of someone I love leaving me again, probably why I find it so fucking hard telling him that I do. I know he doesn't think I love him, I've given him no reason to. I do though, more than I thought I was even capable of and that was the problem.

"I-I" I stutter, not knowing what I was going to say. "We can't do this, I can't be like this with you anymore. I can't be acting like a couple with you." I get out, thankfully keeping the tears at bay.

He looks at me hurt, pursing his lips as he stares at me.

"And why's that." He asks and he shouldn't have asked that and it hurt me just as much as it hurt him at this sentence leaving my lips.

"Because I don't love you." I stumble out and regret fills me but I can't take it back now.

"You really are that bitch that you pretend to be, aren't you?" I didn't say anything, I deserved everything that was coming to me.

"I'm sorry." I mutter, tears being a lot harder to control now.

"So am I, for ever fucking loving you. Go to hell, Lauren." He begins walking away.

"Brad-"

"Just fuck off, okay? I know I should have all them times you told me to." He turns around to see me in floods of tears, his mouth parting and his eyes softening but he doesn't do anything.

He turns back around and walks to his friends, running a hand through his hair. I watch them all together and realise I don't belong there, I'm too much of a fucking bitch to belong anywhere.

I had no one anymore and it really fucking hurt.

Connor looks at me and nods his head to come over but I shake mine, quickly walking away from them and allowing myself to sob.

My hands were angrily pulling at my hair, my chest was on fire and my stomach was knotted. I fell to the floor, the contents of my bag spilling out.

I angrily through the perfume bottle at the wall and I knew people were looking at me.

"Do you want that to be your fucking head next?" I shouted and they sharp turned around,  not daring to look at me anymore.

I see someone's hands begin pick up my stuff and place it back into my bag, I knew it wasn't him as I didn't see his ring clad fingers.

I looked up and saw Connor, he softly smiled at me and my eyebrows furrowed at the kindness he was showing me after what I had just done to his best friend.

"Come on, let's get you home before you actually do smash someones head in."

if you didn't know i have a sequel out for burn, it's called extinguished and i would love if you would check it (and also burn if you havent done so yet) out!