alternate feelings || bws

chapter fourteen || "but not enough though, right?"

My vision was hazy but it was still only focused on him, he was laughing with everyone and every couple of seconds he was pressing a cigarette between his lips, inhaling then exhaling. He really was beautiful and maybe that was why I couldn't stop staring, or maybe being this intoxicated it brought out my real feelings.

Having had nothing to eat before we began consuming our weight in alcohol I was already off my face, being the drunkest out of everyone; even Katie the alcohol virgin was still absolutely fine. Then again, I was drinking a hell of a lot more than everyone else as all that was on my mind was Olivia.

She should be here right now, drinking and laughing with us. Me and her should be singing at the top of our lungs and dancing like maniacs to no music whatsoever. This was when we were the most carefree, the happiest and it wasn't even down to the alcohol; it was simply down to the fact we were together and worry free. I miss her more and more each day and it's getting to the point that I don't know how much I can take of this anymore.

The girls were dancing to the shitty music that was blasting from the speaker one of them had brought with them whilst I sat on the ground with the vodka bottle pressed to my lips as my thoughts were consuming me more than I was the alcohol and staring at someone who I should still detest however, under unfortunate circumstances, I don't.

We couldn't be compassionate, not that anyone would care or even say anything because it wouldn't be any of their business. Maybe he wants to be all affectionate with me but I was too stubborn to let it happen, still not wanting to believe what was happening between us and still wanting to hate him, for only negative opinions of him to leave my mouth and fill my mind.

His gaze flickered to me, a smile on his face which was then covered by the beer bottle. He nodded for me to come and join him and his friends, them all laughing at something one of them said. I shook my head and he pouted causing a smile to greet my face which I disguised with the bottle.

I watched as Connor walked towards Luisa, whispering something in her ear causing her to smile widely and softly kiss him. He was hugging her from behind, smiles on both of their faces as they watched the other girls crazily dance.

I saw Tristan also watching, looking down at the floor with a sad look then looking towards me, awkwardly smiling as he caught me looking at him. He then takes a deep breath and makes his way towards me, leaving Brad and James to laugh and joke with each other; Brad taking small subtle glances towards me and his best friend.

Tristan sits beside me and I could instantly tell he wanted to say something so I waited patiently until he did.

"I loved Olivia, I still do. We were close, just as friends at first but I couldn't stop myself from loving her; no matter what I did, it was impossible. I was hurting her, I told her that I loved her and she said it back but she still had to watch me with Ana. I kissed her the day she, well you know. I hadn't been happier than in that moment our lips touched, I left to go break up with Ana because I wanted nothing more than to be with Liv and then Ana kissed me and I don't know why but I kissed back and Liv watched and ran away. I literally just shouted to Ana that we were over and ran after her but I didn't know where she went. I searched everywhere, thinking that it was too obvious that she would be at home but I checked there when I had run out of ideas." He takes a deep breath. "I saw you. I saw you crying and holding her in her room and not letting the paramedics take her and I didn't help you, I didn't go in I just walked back out her house and went home. I wasn't feeling anything but regret, regret that I didn't help you, regret I didn't end it with Ana sooner. I feel like it was all my fault." He pours his heart out to me but all I could think about was how selfish and self absorbed he was. How fucking stupid he was.

"She didn't kill herself because of you, Tristan, don't flatter yourself." I scoffed and his head fell. "Maybe you were a reason, maybe I was a reason but you weren't the cause."

"If anything you were a reason she was alive. I guess that's all I really wanted to tell you, but I wanted you to know she meant everything to me." He places a hand on my shoulder and I look him dead in the eye.

"But not enough though, right?" I shouldn't have said this, I admit I was a bitch and he didn't deserve it but right now I was just angry and it was being intensified.

I looked away from him again, looking right in front of me which happened to be Brad who was watching the whole scene unfold and from the kind of close proximity he was standing he probably heard everything.

Tristan stands up, not saying another word but I could tell I hurt him, however I didn't care, I didn't care that I hurt him and I think that makes me a very bad person.

"She's just hurting, Tris, don't take it personally." I hear Brad whisper to him and I see Tristan feebly nod and walk over to James and I already know he won't be having as much fun as he was before.

Brad looks at me with a look I couldn't really read but when he shakes his head I could already tell that I was going to get an earful and when he grabs my hand, pulls me up and away from everyone else I thought my theory was correct but instead he just pulls me into his chest and I let myself collapse. Tears I didn't want to fall, fell and I was ashamed in myself. I was ashamed that I let myself get this weak.

"I don't agree with what you said to him, Laur, but I know you're hurting right now. I understand that you're angry with him, I was when he told me all that." He says and again doubt that he was still playing a game with me was rushing into my mind.

"He saw her dead in my fucking arms and he walked away? That isn't love, he was lying to my face. Do you know how much he hurt her, he hurt her so much that she was in tears every night because she saw him and Ana together. He's a dickhead and a liar." I tell him, my sobs making me stutter slightly but it was still comprehendible.

He doesn't say anything, he just pulls my face away from his shoulder and places his lips onto mine. They tasted like nicotine and in that moment we were kissing, I became addicted.

"Please don't be fucking me over." He whispers and I think he may be as drunk as I am.

I don't say anything, knowing fully well that in a few days we'll be at each others throats again and that I couldn't promise him anything. I was completely confused and right now I just wanted to forget about everything and he seemed like a pretty good distraction, but on the other hand he was the one I needed to be distracted from. I pull his face towards mine and we engage in another passionate kiss, one that we both were infatuated with.

This was not going to end well but I couldn't stop and my feelings just could not stop alternating.

you were my first love but not my first heartbreak, my dad beat you to it.

^literally these are just me in my feels at like one in the morning so just ignore lols