alternate feelings || bws

chapter thirty three || "the beginning"

this is in third person because i can explain stuff better and have it all make much more sense 

Coming home she thought would be exciting, that she couldn't tone down the large smile on her face at the fact she gets to see Brad, her friends and be in the comfort of her own home. However, that wasn't the case. She was scared to return home, she was scared that she would show up to an empty house and a note with a simple "fuck you" written on it.

She didn't straight out answer Brad's question, although her reaction gave him a pretty good idea what it was. She panicked, hanging up the call and turning off her phone disallowing Brad to be able to get a hold of her. She thought that he would hate her, that they were now back to square one. Although, they may have to start all over again; he could never hate her.

Whenever he thinks he is getting somewhere with the girl, she shoots him down and he has to pursue her once again. He always has to fight for her, always has to reassure her. She had issues and her main one was him.

She never wanted to be like this with Brad, she never wanted to be so blinded by love she could only see the good in him. He wasn't perfect, he wasn't good but then again, he wasn't bad either. Yeah, he had the bad boy attitude and was constantly in fights over the smallest of things but that doesn't mean he was a terrible person, he was an amazing person and that side of him was only every shown when it came to her. She was seeing the real him but she thought she was the one receiving the façade.

Psychological proof from multiple tests and research have proved that love actually is blind. That we see a favourable trait in them and we attribute other positive ones towards them. We make up a totally perfect person because we're too in love to see that they are anything but that. This is the case with Brad, he is so in love with Lauren he fails to see all the bad qualities and flaws about her. She had deep routed problems and he either doesn't see them or believes that he can fix them and maybe he can, maybe he can help her.

Lauren had this terrible first impression of Brad and that hasn't left her. Making it almost impossible to see him as anything else, to understand him and for him to understand her. First impressions were stuck with us and they are far more important than recent impressions. So in a way, Brad set him up for all of this. In a way, this was all his fault and he couldn't blame Lauren for how she saw him.

She didn't say no but she also didn't say yes.

She built a guard up, not letting anyone in because she believed that once she did they would all of a sudden disappear. Everyone else has, what made him any different? No one could change her idea on love, she believed once you fell in love with someone, you had to let them go before they let you go and that was exactly what she was doing.

She was scared of love so much she couldn't even let the word leave her lips without being terrified of being alone and that is the reason why she hasn't told Brad she loved him since it slipped out. Even then, she didn't tell him outright that she loved him. She didn't say I love you.

Perhaps he was in love with the idea of her, he was in love with the chase, in love with something that he couldn't have but that wasn't the case, not at all.

There was a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. People often got confused them. Being in love with someone is wanting them, feeling like you own them. It was based on lust, an obsession and an infatuation. Loving someone, on the other hand, entails giving without condition, wanting the very best for them, making sacrifices, not keeping a record of wrongs, trusting each other completely but if you love someone who does not really know and understand what it is to love, they will never really appreciate all you do but see it as emotionally intense or desperation. It takes being with someone who knows what it is to love, to fully understand how you love. Maybe he was in love with her and loved her, for he not only wanted her, he needed her.

And she needed him, she just was too scared to show that and to understand that loving him wasn't wrong and was not going to end in a negative outcome.

He was young, at the age eighteen, and she was even younger, at seventeen, but they knew that they loved each other. It wasn't hard to see that they were meant for each other and it was inevitable that they would be together for the rest of their lives. They were young but they were so in love it was impossible to tell them that they had no idea what that feeling actually is. They had a better understanding of it than people who had been married for ten years onwards with families. They were quite possibly more in love than Lauren's mum and dad were and that was quite hard to do.

They weren't together and it may be a while until Lauren actually answers his question, he would wait though. He may be upset and angry right now but there was a reason why he was still at her home, he was going to be there for her no matter how much she hurts him. He would let her break his heart a million times over if it meant it was broken by her.

Lauren just had to realise that he was never going to leave her and that she shouldn't be scared of something so beautiful.

When she does answer his question it wont be the end of their story, or this story, it will only be the beginning. 

double update cos i love this