alternate feelings || bws

chapter seventeen || "what the fuck have you done to yourself?"

My eyes flutter open, bright lights blinding me and beeping filling my ear and a warmth around my left hand. I had no idea what had happened, my memory hazy and my vision had still not fully adjusted causing it to be hard to see where I am in the current moment.

I felt weak and I was in pain, I don't know what was making me feel in pain but all my bones were aching and my spine in particular had a shooting pain. There was something up my nose, making it incredibly itchy so I lift the hand with the warmth but it felt heavy, like something was holding it down.

"Lauren?" A thick Scottish accent asks, I knew who it was but this was going to make him feel terrible, he would feel like it was his fault and that was far from the truth. It was no ones but mine.

"I'm sorry daddy." I softly say and he lifts my hand up to his lips.

My vision adjusts and I move my head to look at him, he had a drip next to him and he was in a wheelchair, he looked slightly better than the day he had been brought in but I know he probably wasn't better otherwise they would have let him out. I wanted him to be home but at the same time I don't, I can't look after him at home; I can't even look after myself.

"Don't apologise, princess. Was this my fault? Was I pushing you too hard?" He questions, his deep voice was breaking and he had tears in his eyes and I had never seen him cry.

I probably have when I was a baby but I don't remember them moments, I don't even remember the face of my mother after birth which I want so badly to remember.

"No, it wasn't yours. I just- I don't know what's wrong with me." I say and then a tear falls from his eye and my whole chest begins to hurt.

I didn't want him to cry, he was the strongest man I had ever met and for him to have such a weak, failure of a daughter is so out of the ordinary. He didn't raise me like this, he raised me better than this and I went against it. He must be so disappointed in me right now.

"There is nothing wrong with you. You're perfect Lauren, so beautiful and kind like your mother. She would be so proud of who her baby girl turned into, I know I am." He tells me, lifting his hand up to my face and brushing my hair behind my ear and the tear from my eye. "Brad, the lad you help study, is here. I think he brought you in. I'm going to speak to him and I'll be back later. I love you, Lauren."

"I love you too, daddy." I sniff, wiping away the tears that fall as he wheels himself away from me, Brad seeing and opening the door for him, looking at me with something that I couldn't figure out.

I try and take deep breaths to compose myself but it doesn't work, I'm a sobbing mess after what my dad had said to me. That was all I've ever wanted to hear. He was never the compassionate dad, yes I knew he loved me but I rarely ever heard him say anything nice to me, he took the hard love approach when raising me and all I ever needed was someone to hold me and tell me that they loved me. Then when he got cancer we rarely ever spoke to each other unless it was him telling me what I needed to get from the shop or that I hit the wrong note playing the piano. He spoke to me when we write our own music and he has a smile on his face as I play for him but he tries to disguise it. He was a very hard faced man and seeing him that vulnerable was out of the ordinary and it hurt me a little bit.

I ran my hand through my hair, pulling at the curls making them a frizzy mess as tears ran down my face. I catch a glimpse of my arms which are mostly always covered by baggy tops and jumpers and more tears fall. I was ashamed at how I let it get so bad, I thought I had control over it but I didn't; I was letting it overtake my life.

I felt my nose to feel that there was in fact a tube inside of it, having read so much about it that I was very aware of all the calories being pumped into my body right now and it was making me very uncomfortable and very sick.

The door was pushed open and a messy haired Brad comes into my view and I still couldn't read the expression on his face.

"What the fuck have you done to yourself? You don't look healthy Lauren, you look like fucking death do you know that? Or is that attractive to you because it isn't to me."

"Please don't shout at me, just be here with me and tell me it's all going to be okay." I sob, just wanting him to hold me like he always does and make me feel better because he can do it so well.

"No, I'm sorry Lauren but I'm not going to sit back and watch the girl I'm falling in love with kill herself right in front of me." He shouts and my mouth falls open. "Never mind the fact that she doesn't love me back."

My heart was pounding and my head was spinning as I tried to process this whole thing. I was looking at him with my chest heaving up and down and my mouth parted, occasionally closing just to open once again. I had no idea he feels that way for me, I never even realised he liked me never mind falling in love with me. I didn't know what I felt towards him, I hadn't had time to process everything with all this hate and pushing him away.

"Brad- I," I stutter and he comes closer to me, his hand pressed against my cheek as he looks into my eyes.

"Say it."

I close my mouth again just shaking my head with my heart hurting and a few tears falling from my eyes.

"I'm sorry." I feebly say, breaking eye contact.

"I don't think you know how to love anything, not even yourself." With that he storms away, angrily pushing the door open letting it close, slamming against the wall before closing properly.

I was left with a million words in my head, words on the tip of my tongue and my heart on my sleeve as I broke down in sobs as I realise I have probably lost the most important person to me.

I'm not sure of my feelings but I didn't want him to leave me, I just wanted him to say it was going to be okay and it would be but now its far from okay.

sorry its up later than usual x