alternate feelings || bws

chapter thirty four || "yes"

            

I was scared, I was absolutely fucking terrified of going home. I didn't know if he was going to be there, I hope he is but I don't blame him if he's not. I could never blame him for leaving me, it probably is exhausting loving me; like he previously said. If I was in his position I would leave me too, I've got too many issues and not even I can deal with them all.

I use the worst coping mechanisms known to man kind. You don't think your pretty enough? Starve yourself. Your dads dying? Never speak to him. Someone genuinely cares about you? Tell them to fuck off and distance yourself. You love someone? Tell them you don't. Said person asks you to be their girlfriend? Hang up and turn your phone off. Your best friend kills herself? Contemplate suicide yourself.

I stared out of the train window, it conveniently raining setting the whole mood. It seems to be an occurrence in my life, as soon as something bad happens it begins raining and I doubt something good is going to come from yesterday. I don't blame him if he's wrecked my whole entire house and left a very angry note.

I don't know what I want to say to his question, technically not answering it yet. He probably thinks I'm going to say no, maybe that's what I should say. I used to want him dead, for god's sake, and now I find myself dying without him. It doesn't make any sense; it's too confusing for me to understand all of this. Then again the last thing I want to say is no, I want to say yes and begin a relationship with him but something's holding me back. Maybe my common sense has reared its head for the first time in years.

I can't even tell him that I love him without being scared he's going to mysteriously disappear. How could I possibly be in a relationship with him if I'm scared that he's going to leave me, he hasn't shown me any evidence that he wouldn't and I've given him plenty reasons why. I'll probably fuck up once again, he'll get sick of it and finally leave. It's inevitable that he'll realise he can do so much better than me, he deserves so much better than me.

On the other hand, I don't want anyone else to have him. I want him, as selfish as that sounds. I want to be the one on his mind 24/7, I want to be the one he comes home to, the one he kisses, the one he argues with, the one he touches. I want it to be me and him but I don't know how I can make that happen, something was stopping me and I wish it would just fuck off already.

My stop comes up and I sigh, mentally preparing myself for what was about to come. It was only a short walk from the train station to home and I was wishing that it was longer, I was trying to delay the future as much as possible. I needed more time to figure out what I was going to say if he was still there and what I was going to do if he wasn't, which is more likely. It's better to be prepared though.

I take my time, the rain soaking through my clothes to my frail skin as I tiredly drag along my suitcase. Not having the energy for the overly-heavy object. I hadn't eaten the entire week, I thought I was getting better with this whole disorder thing but apparently I wasn't, then again I wasn't getting worse.

You can't get any worse if you've already hit rock bottom.

My house comes into my sight and I feel my heart drop, no lights were on and that was the one thing I didn't want to see; even though it was the most likely out of the two outcomes. I thought this was what I wanted, for him to not be here, but now I know it wasn't. I needed him and I think I'm finally beginning to accept that.

I test the door handle, surprisingly it opening and my heart fills with hope. I enter the dark house, flipping on a light switch and throwing my unneeded keys on the table by the door. I look around the house, seeing no sign of anyone yet I was still holding onto that hope that he may be here.

"Hello?" I call out, my voice echoing through the empty halls.

I sigh, not receiving an answer before heading towards the bathroom. Pulling my hoodie from my chest and the leggings from my legs, placing them in the wash basket just outside the bathroom. I open the door as my hand hovers my bra strap, getting ready to run a very needed bath to see it was already occupied.

A shocked gasp leaves my lips at the sight, a naked, bloodied and bruised boy was sat in blood stained water with tears running down his cheeks and I had no idea what to do. What are you supposed to do in this situation?

His eyes snap towards mine, more tears spewing from his eyes. He looked broken, completely and utterly shattered and that hurt me. That hurt me way more than it should have.

"Please don't leave me." He sobs. "You're all I have left." He extends his hand out to me and I hesitantly take it, dropping to my knees as I brush his matted hair out of his face.

"What do you mean? What's happened?" I curiously ask, my heart breaking as he grips tightly onto my hand and his head rests on my chest.

"They don't want me like you don't want me. Why does no one want me? Why am I not good enough?"

"Who doesn't want you?" I question, my voice slow like I was stepping on very thin ice.

He shakes his head, telling me he doesn't want to tell me and I roll my eyes. Why doesn't he want to open up to me?

"Brad, please tell me." I beg, rubbing the tears from his red cheek with my thumb.

Once again he shakes his head and I sigh, knowing I wouldn't be getting it out of him any time soon. I look over his body, bruises and scratches covering the entirety of it and when I look at his arms my breath gets caught in my throat and tears cloud my eyes. I don't mention it to him, but it's all I can focus on.

He was just as messed up as I was and before I didn't realise it but now I do, I now understand our first serious conversation we had that day in my car. He needed me just as much as I needed him.

"Yes." I quickly say.

"What?" He asks, looking up at me with wide eyes and I swear I fell in love all over again.

"Yes, I'll be your girlfriend." A wide smile washes over his face as he hurriedly grabs my face and kisses me.

Then everything felt better in the world. Everything felt like it was meant to be. Everything felt like it was going to get better.

i havent proof read this so i apologise if its really fucked up but im slightly drunk whilst writing this AND i havent updated in fucking ages so im also sorry for that. BUT IM WRITING A FUCKIN MINT BOOK AND A LOVE IT