alternate feelings || bws

chapter twenty nine || "tell me it's okay and it will be"

Connor sat on the stool of the kitchen bench, a cup of coffee in front of him as I stared at him in curiosity, wondering why he chose me over his supposed best friend to keep company. I do appreciate it but I thought he would have hated me, probably like the rest of them do.

"I know you love him." He breaks the silence that had developed between us.

My mouth parts as I look at him, wondering how he knows that and how he knows what I said to Brad.

"I was listening in, you could tell you didn't mean anything you were saying and I mean the crying gave it away too. Brad's just had in his head that you didn't love him, that's the only reason he believed you. I wouldn't think of becoming an actor just yet." He tells me.

I don't say anything to him, not wanting to speak to anyone but my dad but obviously that's off the table now. I don't even know how I'm going to live here, I barely get enough from my job to afford the bills, the gas, the electric, the internet, the TV, the groceries. Every thing just comes into my head at once, worrying how I am actually going to be able to live without him.

"So, what's brought all this on?" He asks but I keep my mouth closed, I don't want to tell him my life troubles and I don't want him to pity me.

I despise being sympathised, I hate being treated like I can break any second which I quite possibly could; I just don't want other people to know that.

I just shrug my shoulders, playing with my fingers to avoid eye contact with him.

"Maybe I'm just a bitch." I mutter and I hear him sigh.

"Listen, I know we aren't close and I know I'm the last person you want to talk to but I am always here for you." He says, placing his hand on top of mine and squeezing it. "I also give some pretty good hugs."

A small smile reaches my face before the tears get a chance to cloud over my eyes as I walk around the counter to hug him. He stands up and hugs me tightly, it brought a smile to my face but it didn't make me feel at home like Brad's always did. Whenever he hugged me it was like he was holding us together so nothing could separate us, he always held my waist or he had his arms around my shoulder and a hand in my hair. It always felt better with him.

Connor, however, hugged me like you hug a friend. I did appreciate the hug but it just didn't make everything feel better like my dad's or Brad's did.

The front door opens causing Connor and I to slowly break apart, me wiping my face from any tears that may have fallen. I just can't seem to stop crying.

Brad comes into view, stopping and looking at Connor in confusion.

"Why are you here?" Brad asks him.

"I made sure she was home safe." Connor says and it was the truth but I doubt he's going to believe it.

"Well, she's home and she's safe." He hints.

I look between the two, none of them saying another word. Connor sighs before picking his bag up from near the seat he was just occupying.

"I'll go, like I said I'm always here to talk." He tells me quietly and I just nod, he squeezes my shoulder gently as he leaves.

Brad stares at me, an unreadable expression on his face. I stare back, not knowing what to say or what to do.

"I um, I'm just going to get my stuff then go." He says, not a hint of anger in his voice like earlier.

I quickly shake my head, not wanting him to go, not wanting to be alone.

"Please stay." I croak out.

"Why would I stay, Lauren? Why the fuck would I stay basically living with someone who's just broken my heart?" He shouts, making me jump slightly and causing even more tears to fall.

I look like a child, crying because I just got shouted at for good reason. Like I'm putting on the water works for him to feel bad and say sorry to me when really he should be doing the complete opposite. The only person that deserves an apology is him.

"Please stop yelling at me." I whimper, rubbing up and down my arms as I look to the ground.

If I keep on crying this place is going to be flooded in no time.

I press my overly chapped lips together, tasing the saltiness of my tears on them.

"Why are you doing this? Why do you push me away, telling me you don't love me to begging me to stay?" He rightly asks, his voice a lot softer. "What do you want me to do?" He takes a few steps forward and I look up into his eyes and his eyebrows furrow probably at how broken I am.

"Tell me it's okay and it will be." I cry and I quickly get pulled into his chest.

I can't even stay away from him for an hour, how did I think I would be able to for the rest of my life.

His arms are wrapped tightly around my shoulders as mine is wrapped around his waist. He shushes my sobs as he runs his hands softly through my matted hair.

"You're all I have left." I tell him and he hugs me tighter.

"I'm not going anywhere, Laur, just please stop trying to push me away because I promise I will never leave you."

I press my self into him tighter and I feel him sigh and press a kiss to the top my head. This is where I feel safe and better than ever, he's the only person that can make me feel like everything is okay even when it most definitely isn't.

"Will you tell me what's happened?"

"I will if you stay."

"What have you done to me?" He whispers and I hold on even tighter, scared he will realise he could do so much better than me; the girl that has that many people she loves leave her shes scared to even say the words.

So there we stand, me a sobbing mess tightly pressed against his chest whilst he hugs me, moments after I told him I didn't love him and said I had to leave before I get left.

I would gladly get left by him, over and over again if it means I had him even for a moment.