alternate feelings || bws

chapter thirty two || "i went outside"

Being home was a weird feeling, quite frankly it didn't really feel like home. It's not what I remembered it being or feeling like. The atmosphere was different, it was cold and empty. When I was young all I ever felt in this house was warmth, safety and love. Perhaps it was because the person who made it home wasn't here anymore, for wherever my dad was, that homely feeling followed.

My grandparents now lived here, not wanting such a beautiful house to go to waste after my dad all of a sudden wanted to pack up and have a fresh start in a different country. It looked almost the same, some items of unfamiliar furniture and decorations had been added but for the most part it hadn't changed a bit. Most of the items filling the large house once belonged to my dad, he left everything but photographs behind; when he said he wanted to start afresh, there was nothing half arsed about it. Everything in my house now was newly bought, free of any memories, free of my mum.

Of course he never forgot about her, he carried her about with him everywhere. In his heart, in the picture of her in his wallet and with the locket around his neck. He didn't care if it was "feminine", he never took that piece of jewelry off and now it belonged to me. It was around my neck, adding to the collection of my mother's rings my dad had given me last year, never leaving my fingers and this locket would now never leave my neck.

My dad loved my mum with everything in him, she was the one for him and he never once started dating after her. There was no one like her and no one would ever replace her, she meant everything to him and he would forever worship her. He made a promise on their wedding day and he would never break that, he would never even think of another woman. They had a beautiful love, although I hadn't seen it first hand; it was the love I looked up to and could only dream of sharing that with someone.

My mind travels back to Brad, how much I actually missed the freak and it had only been three days. I missed his kisses, his words, his touch and surprisingly I miss how much he would annoy me. I know he didn't think I loved him, that I felt much for him but I do. I love him how my dad loved my mum and although I said I wanted to experience it, it was too much. I love him too fucking much and it terrifies the life out of me.

I crave him like how addicts crave drugs, I was going mad without him and that's when I knew I let myself fall to hard. Love wasn't supposed to make you mad, was it? Or was that exactly what it was supposed to do?

My fingers trailed along the banisters of the long staircase, memories of when I would always slide down them and get shouted at, it being too dangerous for a little girl like myself. I follow the map in my head to my old room, caressing the door handle that had collected dust and pushing it open. Memories flooding into my vision.

The walls were pink, my bed had four posts and the bedding was floral. It was everything you expected for a spoilt seven-year old, it was everything you expected for a dad to think his little girl would love. I did, I adored this room and how much time and effort he put into getting it perfect; anything for his little girl.

I missed being called that, I needed to be called that again with every in me. I needed to be called it by a male figure in my life and when it does I think I'll break out in tears of happiness. He stopped calling me it when I hit thirteen, him thinking I was too big to be his little girl anymore. I wasn't, I would never be too big.

My phones ringtone begins blaring and I assume it's one of the multiple texting me asking me where I was, all of which I was ignoring. I pull it out of my pocket, my heart fluttering at the words on the screen.

Brad wants to FaceTime.

I quickly swipe to answer and his smiley face fills my screen, bringing a smile of my own.

"I miss you!" Is the first thing I hear and I have to bite my lip to stop my smile getting any bigger. "I went outside because I'm so bored without you."

"You have friends." I laugh, brushing my hair behind my ear.

"But they aren't you." He casually says, not even having to think about what was leaving his mouth.

My cheeks burn and he laughs, bringing a warmth that I've been lacking ever since I've been here.

"Did you not tell anyone you were going to Scotland?" He asks, saying the country with a terrible accent, no where near to what the accent actually is.

"I sort of told Katie, but not the reason." I tell him and he nods in understanding.

"You know I'm always here, I would say just a call away but I practically live with you so you could just throw a shoe at me and I'll be hugging you."

"I know, I appreciate it. Not everyone would bath me." I joke and he smirks.

"It was my pleasure." He winks and I so desperately want to hit him but unfortunately that kind of technology hasn't been invented yet. "When are you home?" He questions.

"Hopefully soon, I think the funerals tomorrow and I'll be on the train straight after it. My grandparents gave me money which I'm really thankful for, they also gave me a bankcard with savings in. I can't access it until I'm eighteen though. I think they realise how much I'm struggling."

"Baby, you know if you ever need money you can ask me?" He instantly says. "If you ever need anything just ask me. You need a new car? I'll get you one first thing tomorrow."

"I don't need anything from you. Just having you is getting me through all this, I have no idea what I would be doing without you." I explain, so utterly thankful for him.

"Wanna know how to repay me?"

I raise my eyebrows in confusion and a small smile graces his face.

"Be my girlfriend."

do u want this book to be over soon? or carry on?

i need to know for the next chapter lol