Divergent High

Chapter 45

Recap:

Four gets shot by Lauren, loses his memory. Christina takes Tris back to school after a while and Tris finds the that Marcus now identifies as the new vice principal of the school.

Tris' POV:

Memories. Memories. That's the only word in my mind now and i'm not sure why. Not specific memories, but just the word itself. Not the definition or the reason behind it. Just the word memories. It keeps replaying in my mind, speaking to me, being said in my ears.

Maybe it's because I can't stop remembering them, or maybe it's because Tobias can't even remember them, but the word makes me feel sick to my stomach as well as giddy and childish, wonderful and living. I have no idea how to explain how I feel or why I'm feeling this way. I have no idea about anything anymore, really.

Tobias had missed our "date", because the doctors suggested he take more medicine and rest a while longer before going out.

Now, a week later, I stand in front of the tall mirror in my room, looking at myself in the reflection.

No matter how many times I tell myself that it will be okay, and that Tobias still is kind and feels something for me, I can't help but get a gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach. I know he is trying, but he will never remember anything. The first day we met, our first kiss, anything. I love him, I still do, of course. But there's no stopping the fact that it's not the same. It never will be again.

I put a smile on my face and fix my red skater dress a little bit before I brush my hair and pop a piece of gum in my mouth.

I cut my hair after Tobias was shot. It was too much to handle and I could barely shower, think, or even eat, let alone even going near a hairbrush.

In some weird way, cutting my hair made it feel like a new start. A fresh beginning after everything that happened. First I met Tobias and figured out his dad... hurt him. Then, Lauren went crazy and did some crazy things. My lung disease, Mason, Four. Life was hectic. Straight chaos. So cutting my hair was a metaphor for a growing branch. Happiness. Freedom from all the harm.

I hook the clasp on my necklace around my neck, and take one last look of myself.

I look different, not like the Tris I used to be. I've seen so much and experienced the world in only a few years. Too much of the world, in my opinion.

I used to be a kind innocent girl who knew nothing of abuse or sickness or mental health. I use to be a girl named Beatrice who saw the world for the happy things and the good in everyone. A young junior high kid who knew nothing of nothing.

I look tired. Pretty, but tired. Worn down. I look like I've been through so much because I have. I love myself but at the same time life is just too fast and time is too fast and I think one part of me is truly... dead. Gone. Missing. Empty.

My thoughts are interrupted by the doorbell, and suddenly I feel like the old Tris. Beatrice. Going out on her first date, all dressed up. Alive.

I make my way down to the stairs and take a deep breath before opening the door. Tobias stands there looking down at a paper before his eyes glance up and I have caught his full attention, and they gleam in the sun.

He lights up and smiles this big smile and looks back down at the paper before handing it to me, and our hands meet. A spark appears as a feeling when our hands touch, and the Beatrice spirit of mine goes crazy again.

I look down at the paper as he tells me it was left on the porch. I don't read it and look back up to his eyes and say, "It's probably just the bull company sending my rent. I'll call the mayor's office tomorrow to ask them to pay for it." I place it on the entry way table and turn back.