my thoughts at 12 a.m.

Finding myself/ losing myself

Beautiful chaos surrounds me, And in the mists of finding myself, I lost everything I was. All of a sudden loving life became a chore, and motivation was no where to be found.I became best friends with depression and anxiety. Life became black and white, and everything in between. Trying to get back on track has taken everything I've got. At points I almost didn't make it, because what was the point of holding on to something completely lost.My desire to live and conquer the world vanished. And all of a sudden destruction was the only thing on my mind.  Several nights, I found myself calling friends, while surrounded by empty bottles and a bed scattered with different coloured pills. It was pointless, me making those calls, for no coherent words came out of my mouth. And as the pills mixed with those liquids, already taking affect in my body, I'd here my friends asking if I was okay. But all I could do was lay there and hope they did their magic and I wouldn't wake up the next morning. Yet I'd end up waking up with the memories of last night.I lost myself, and finding my way back seemed to be out of reach. I haven't found myself just yet, well not completely. What I did find was my desire, and love for travel and adventure. And somehow that made me want to live again...I'm still finding myself, but destruction doesn't rule my life anymore. The nights full of empty bottles and different coloured pills are now gone.I've learned to replace them with colourful pictures and adventure filled days. I was in a dark place, and honestly everyone goes through that. Maybe their (your) dark place isn't as dark as mine, or maybe it's worse, but in the end you survive it. You lose yourself completely and that's okay, as long as you keep trying to get back to who you want to be. I'm not 100% happy, and we truly never will be, but the closer you get the better. Live life for yourself, find who you're meant to be for yourself and only you.