my thoughts at 12 a.m.

4/13/17

When my mom got sick, I cared for her, I did the things she wasn't able to do anymore. When my mom got sick, I cared for her because that's what you do for people you love. When you love someone no matter who they are, you stay by their side, you help them with whatever they may need.

I did just that, throughout my moms sickness, I was there, all the way to her last days, because I loved her, I still love her. I'll never stop loving her, for she was my mom. Yet, along the way, there were times where all I wanted was for her to pass away, not because I didn't love her, but because I saw how much she was suffering.

I remember getting frustrated with her... maybe it wasn't at her, maybe it was at her illness, and at times I will admit i got frustrated with God. Alone in my room, I'd ask God to take her away, then a few seconds later I'd regret it. I didn't actually want God to do that, i was just hurting, because my mom was constantly in pain, and there were more bad days than good ones.

The point is, I never wanted my mom to die... that is until her last few months. From July to October 16, I'd go to my room and cry. Cried because my mom was holding on for me and all I could do was watch how she got worse each day. I cried because there were times I'd go visit her and she barely even recognized me. I'd cry and ask God to take her away from me in that exact moment. I wanted her gone because I loved her too much to see her in pain.

When my mom was in her last days, i spent everyday with her, I stayed because that's what you do for your loved ones. You stay. When someone is dying, you have to let them go, that's essentially what you're doing, letting go. On my moms last days I remember asking God to take her already, because I couldn't handle seeing everyone around me hurting. The only problem is that the hardest part was letting go. The hardest part was telling my mom it was okay to let go, that I would be okay. I knew that once I said that she'd be gone, and she was... she was gone.

You see I did want my mom to die. As bad as that sounds, I did, because that meant she wouldn't be hurting anymore. The one thing I wanted the most was for my mom to stop hurting and that's what happened. Yet I didn't want my mom to die. I never wanted my mom to die, because she's my mom, and I need her, every single day, but she's gone. I didn't want my mom to die because I loved her so much. I needed my mom to stay because she was my world. I didn't want my mom to die because I couldn't stand to lose another parent. Then I remember that at times I did want her to die, because I had already seen one of my parents go through so much pain. Now, well I was seeing the other one go through the same thing. It all was too much.