my thoughts at 12 a.m.

9/9/17

Its a constant thing, missing you. I never go a day without doing so because I do everything while missing you. I go to school, I laugh, I cry, I get mad, sad, happy. I go out with my friends, I stay in, I do my homework, I go on long drives, I go to doctor appointments, I fall in love, all while missing you. 

Its a constant thing and I know it won't change, it never will. There are times when it comes in waves, and I can't shake the emptiness I feel inside, but I've learned to handle these moments. There are other times where it comes as a hurricane, a raging storm, that takes over, and I begin to drown. These are the worst, because no matter how much I try I can't seem to catch my breath, its like there's weights around my feet dragging me to the very bottom. As this happens all I do is block it, I block it from my mind try to forget it, but I can't... so I drown in silence.

I'm in the middle of the ocean, when this storm hits, and all the clam I feel turns into, pain, heartbreak, and panic. I want it to stop, I need it to stop because I feel myself being dragged to the bottom due to the massive waves and unwelcome thoughts. I gasp for air, to help me get through this moment, to remind me that I'm still alive, but knots form in my throat blocking all source of air to my lungs. My lungs start to burn, its like I've been lit on fire from the inside out, and no matter what I try to do nothing helps. 

Nothing helps... I need help... but right now drowning sounds so much better.