my thoughts at 12 a.m.

1-16-16

I sat there thinking, you know just in my room surrounded by darkness at 4:00 am, I asked my self what do I fear, in this very moment what do I fear, and God I wish I didn't have an answer, but I do.  I looked through every meaning I had of the word fear and what actually made me feel it so here it goes...
Yes I fear death, but its inevitable so I get over it easily when it sets in in my stomach, I also fear those little things everyone else does like bugs, the dark etc. you get the idea but the one thing I fear the most is my power to allow myself to detach from those around me. It's a type of fear that sets in when depression starts to surface again once it's been away for months, because you know that at any given moment you will begin to push away every single person in your life. It's like you being to close off because you don't want to poison them with this darkness that's began to consume you, so you begin to hide your feelings hoping that by that you'll scare them away and they'll leave your life completely but they don't so you do everything in your power to stop any sort of contact with them. As the days go by you stop answering their calls or texts, then you start going days without talking to them, at first this no communication is freaking hard but you become used to it so all the feelings you once had become numb and you just don't think about it until you're the one that's finally out of their lives and it's a scary thing you know, because at any given moment you can be completely consumed by darkness and all these thoughts begin to flood your mind, you look for ways to end them and sometimes they end in bloody scenes, or even scenes with full on break downs, and in that moment of full vulnerableness you realize that you drove out all those loving people away with a power you didn't know you had, yet in the after math you realize that everyone has this power some just don't use it, and some use it more than others. That's what I'm afraid of my power to become a total different person, my power to push away everyone around me and not realizing that I'm doing so. You see in this very moment I know that I'm capable of doing so and its scary like I said, but once I'm in this darkness that I was once in I won't realize I'm doing so until it's finally done and that's mind wrecking.