my thoughts at 12 a.m.

Nov. 14 2018

Why can't I let love in? Theres so much pain I carry on the daily, yet I cover it up with smiles and laughter. How do I let go of all the misery I have inside my heart, and let all the love thats dying to come out actually make itself seen.

Some days waking up is easier than others. The will to live, it comes and goes. The desire for happiness, pure and blissful happiness is a constant. Yet the sadness, and self destruction are a permanent, with no intention of leaving. They may go dormant for a while, but that never lasts, they always make themselves known. 

I dont know how to love. The way I show it isn't for everyone. I have a hard time showing it honestly. But i long for love. 

Fuck i cant seem to keep my mind on one thing. My mind keeps racing with so many thoughts I feel like it might explode. Most of the time I'm the one that makes myself sick. All the thinking, stressing. it makes me go mad. How do I fix myself without hurting other, and how do I fix other when i cant even fix myself?

I was thinking of a metaphor to somehow explain what goes on in my head, but i cant even do that without overthinking. My mind never stops, not even in my sleep, not even in the moments of pure happiness, my overthinking never stops. How do i make it stop? I cant but i want it to stop. How do I get over this depression that I'm in? Whats it like to be normal? To have happiness last for more than a day. When will I be genuinely happy.

I know I keep repeating myself but this is what goes on in my head every day.

Where is home? I mean home for me... well theres a lot of things and people that represent home to me. My grandpas house is home, him, my uncle, my aunt, and cousin are home. My brother, oh he's more than home, he's my world. My life would end if i were to lose him. The house I live in thats home, because of the memories it holds. My bed room, the place I like to call my safe haven, thats my home. But I dont have A HOME. I need a home, one that holds no memories, one that gives me freedom to build myself again, where i dont feel like I'm drowning every other day. A home where nothing from the past can haunt me.

I'm drowning. Constantly, slowly I am drowning. Though once in a while I come up for air, which is why I'm still alive. I walk this earth, but not to live, just to survive. The thing is I am tired of surviving, I want to live, yet I can't seem to figure out how to do just that. I am drowning, some days I fight more than others. Some days I want to give up, but theres people around me i still want and need to save so i keep going. I stay for everyone but myself. If I'm honest if I didnt believe in a higher being, if I didnt care about my family, well I'd be long gone by now.

I dont know how to let love in. I have conditioned myself to block out any type of love. Fuck I hate myself. because I want love yet I cant let it in. I desire love. but I've come to realize that the love I crave cant be given to me. I will never find that love again, and as long as i hold on to that hope, the love i deserve and actually need at this point will never make its way through all the walls around my heart. 

I AM BROKEN

Theres this show I love, its called The Vampire Diaries. In this show vampires don't glow in the sunlight, they feel 1000x more than humans. What that basically means is that every emotion we have, a vampire feels it for longer and with more intensity. With this also comes the option of turning off their humanity. Basically they can decide whether they want to feel everything or nothing at all. I love that. The beauty about being human comes from all the emotions we feel, from love to hate, from happiness to sadness. Now imagine turning that off... we're left with nothing, and just like that all the beauty is gone but all the pain is also gone. I wish i could turn it all off completely. I've shut my feelings off, but not all the way. I mean if i had I woulnt be sad, mad, happy, anything. I'd be numb, and sometimes being numb sounds better than feeling. 

I usually type these and they have a theme, or they'll make sense but honestly I couldnt get my mind to concentrate on one thing tonight.