my thoughts at 12 a.m.

Jan 13, 2017 (10:04 p.m.)

New year, new me. 

Where do I start, 2016 was full of pain and heart break. I lost a few people some physically and others just relationship wise. Death is inevitable, we all know it will happen, the thing that gets us is not knowing when it'll happen. The year 2016 took a certain person from me, and even though I imagined it would happen, I never thought it would be so soon. 

People tend to say that those who are dying, or close to dying are able to sense when their clock is about to stop ticking. I used to think they were crazy, but in 2016 I realized its true, people can actually feel when time is about to run out. Once they feel that, they start talking what seems nonsense to us, but really they're just trying to get everything ready for when they leave this Earth.

I remember visiting my mom in the hospital, and her telling me what she wanted me to do with all her stuff, she even told me what she wanted me to do with the food we had in the pantry and in the fridge. Every time she'd mention things like that I'd get upset. I'd get upset because I felt like she wanted to die already, little did I know it was because she felt that her time to leave this Earth was coming up. I knew she was sick and that the treatments weren't working on her. Everyday she got worse, but we all had faith, I had faith she would get better. The thing is she didn't get better, and she ended up passing away a month after my 18th birthday.

I remember it so well, how I'd go visit her, and all I wished in those moments was to be back home with her, laughing, messing around, creating new memories, but instead we were at a hospital just wishing. It was two weeks before my birthday, a Sunday to be specific, and as I got to her room I broke down because I new she wouldn't be coming home any time soon. Walking into her room, I remember just looking at her and telling her how unhappy I was. I wanted my mom back, the one who understood me, the one who helped me through my heart breaks, the one person who held me together every time I felt like falling apart. Those two weeks leading up to my birthday I remember how my mom would insist on having a small birthday party for me, and each time I'd refuse, but I had it anyways. I didn't understand why she wanted it so bad, but now that she's gone I know exactly why. My mom knew her time was almost up, she wanted to celebrate my birthday one last time, she wanted me to be happy, even if it was just for one night. My mom wanted to be happy one last time.

Looking back at years before 2016, I remember conversations my mom and I had about my future, our future. I'd always tell her that at 18 or 19 I'd want to move out. Some how my mom felt like she wouldn't be here on Earth long enough to see me graduate high school or accomplish my dreams. My mom always knew that where I stayed while she was in the hospital wasn't where I wanted to live, and that I had no choice but to suck it up. So every time we talked she would tell me that she would wait for me to become an adult to leave this Earth, so that I could have control of my life and search for my happiness  and she did just that. A month after my birthday, my mom was put into hospice, it was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. You just stand there in a room waiting for that one person to pass away, it may take hours, days, weeks, or months, but it happens and theres nothing you can do. What hurts the most is having to see everyone saying their goodbye, yet you're still holding on to that hope that things will turn around and they survive. 

It was a Thursday when I was picked up from school, taken to the hospital, and given the responsibility to decide what I wanted to do next with my mom. I either kept her in the hospital in pain, or I let her go. Its one of the hardest things to do, because all you want us for that person to no longer be in pain, yet you still want them to be alive. She passed away 3 days later on a Sunday, and the days leading up to that were agonizing, both mentally and physically. Those few days that my mom was in her last days, family and friends came to say their goodbyes. As the days went by this ache in my heart grew bigger and bigger, I knew her time was almost up, but it seemed like something was still keeping her here, I just didn't know what. I spent two nights with her, her last two nights. My mom would get so restless throughout the night, I'd have to sing to her, and just talk to her, how I wish I could relive those moments again. I wanted her to let go already, I didn't like to see her suffering, nor did I want to hold on to that small amount of hope any longer because it was only hurting me more. Yet my mom for some reason didn't let go, until that night I told everyone in the room to let me be alone with her for just one minute. I now wish I would've asked for more time. I laid down with her, I held her as hard as I could and I finally told her I would be okay, that it was fine if she left.... And she did. After hearing just that she left. 

Its been 2 months going on to 3 on January 16, and I miss her like crazy...