my thoughts at 12 a.m.

1-17-16

I'm left alone with my thoughts... Are we worth it ? Is me fighting for us even worth it? Right now it feels like I'm fighting a battle I wasn't prepared to fight. It's as if I was dragged into this battle with no weapons and I'm left to find my own resources to somehow win. I just need to know if I'm doing the right thing because I'm here bleeding from all the wounds already acquired, and now you have me putting my hands in the fire to stop it from getting to you, yet you seem not to care that I have burns and bruises covering my arms. You know, I get this is a metaphor to how I'm feeling and maybe I shouldn't be so dramatic but when you're fighting for something you love, for that someone you love, all the silence, all the short and meaning less answers being to engrave themselves in my brain and they start to create wounds that will take years to heal, and I don't think you realize how serious this is. Ever since we became a thing you've known about my mental health, you've known about the love I have for you, and hell for years this love you had towards me was there it really was. I used to text you and ask you to help me out with the voices in my head, and you'd help, you actually would, but I guess I became a handful and your love towards me started to fade. The thought of your love fading sucks so much because as the days go by I fall more and more in love with you, and I don't know what to do to make me realize that you're no good, I mean what else can I do to make me understand you're causing me so much pain, I already cry myself to sleep, my heart aches every time my phone rings and it isn't you, I get stabbed time after time whenever you're not there for me like before. I've desired to die for the longest time that I didn't realize I had my killer by my side all along. You're killing me !! You're killing slowly and painfully but you're doing it, and I should be happy right cause that's what I've wanted, but I'm not. You see ever since I realized I was in love with you my desire to die went away and was replaced by the wanting to live. Yet stupid me let myself fall hard for you and gave you the key to my heart, the answer to how you'll achieve my murder. It's strange because the person that once made you want to live is now making you wish you were dead, and instead of fixing that they're slowly accomplishing it, and soon you'll be dead, maybe not physically but emotionally and mentally.