"At least you're useful for something."
"That's right. This is the level you can get up to – a whore, that's what you are. That's how low you are. You're only here to please. So ing do it right."
"That's what your job is, your purpose in this world – to please."
"You're worthless"
"You're only here to please others."
When Baekhyun wakes up, he understands his purpose.
Memories of that week continue to haunt his mind for the rest of his teenage years, but his mindset has him believing that that's what he deserves – the worst. He has no right to cry, no right to seek help nor seek comfort in others – no right to ask for anything more.
Then he remembers the value his mother had inputted in his entire being ever since that stormy night:
"A good boy must keep everything secret."
Maybe that's why he was abandoned. Because he didn't keep things secret enough.
"How are you feeling today?" The doctor asks as he sits down beside Baekhyun's bed, smiling at him.
"Great, sir, how about you?" Baekhyun replies smoothly, lips curling up into a small smile.
"Good. Have you felt changes in your body lately? Ever since that incident?" He asks carefully, dragging words out slowly so as to not offend his patient.
"Hm? I feel great, as always." Baekhyun laughs quietly. "It's strange, because they say you're supposed to remember every single second of a traumatic experience, but I don't remember anything!" Baekhyun takes an apple from a basket of fruits by his table, smile widening. "Hey, doc. I learnt this new trick for being stuck in this boring place for so long, do you want to –"
"Baekhyun." The doctor interrupts for the first time, and Baekhyun stops speaking, almost jerking in surprise, and he turns to blink at the doctor, eyes sliding down to take note of the tag 'Psychiatrist' stuck proudly on his chest. "I know it's hard to express what exactly happened on those nights, and I have a few explanations to elaborate to you on why you might be acting this way, but it's okay. You're safe now. No one's going to hurt you, and I care about you. I want you to get better. But if you don't tell anyone what happened, it's not good for your heart nor your health. I know what happened those nights might seem shameful, but it's not your fault, and I will never, ever judge you. The happiness act you're –"
"I'm fine, doc. Really." Baekhyun forces his smile to be brighter as he spins the apple on his finger. He wants to cry in frustration inside. Please leave me alone. "See? This is one of the tricks –"
"Stop faking, Baekhyun." The doctor says quietly. "The nurses who pass by your room at night hear you screaming sometimes ..." Baekhyun freezes then, his façade almost breaking. Almost.
But it's the almost that cuts the boundary.
"Baekhyun, I will never judge you." The doctor says gently. "You know that, right? I want to be here for you. I want to help you, Baekhyun. Let me help you." The doctor searches Baekhyun's eyes. He swears he can read his patient's thoughts then – Baekhyun is going to give in.
But how wrong he was.
The only thought in Byun Baekhyun's mind is I wasn't careful enough.
"..." Baekhyun sets the apple down in the basket. "I really don't remember anything, doctor ..."
"Then explain your screaming at night."
