A-Z German Brothers

M: Mayonnaise

M: Mayonnaise

It was not a big surprise that neither of the German brothers were good cooks. Gil often somehow blew things up, and Ludwig made the simplest things possible. Gil is the sort of man that could make a bowl of cereal burst into flames. Ludwig was the sort that could live off plain bratwurst and unbuttered potatoes for the rest of his life.

So naturally, neither really bothered to cook when they had a date. They were the go out to dinner type.

So when Ludwig walked into the family room after a long day of work and smelled food he was suspicious. Gilbert was supposed to be on a date with a stripper.

Which Ludwig had been terribly against, because no one with a working brain dated a stripper, but Gil had insisted upon it.

But that was a totally different story...

Ludwig frowned realizing that it was strangely quiet, the sort of quiet that happened when Gilbert went and fucked up something big time. The door to the basement was open too, so Gil had not taken his date down there.

His dogs were looking at him from the corner, like somewhat afraid of what their master would find. This made him even more on edge.

He flipped the light on and looked around. His living room seemed to be in fine order at least, though his brother was clearly missing.

"Gilbert?" he called out, tossing the mail on the table.

Only silence answered him.

He sighed and walked towards the kitchen and flipped the light on.

His breath caught in his chest and his rage level shot through the roof. Everywhere it was clear that Gil had tried to cook.

Gil had also clearly not cleaned up a single thing.

Dishes sat piled in the sink, the table had dirty napkins and crumbs, and the floor as stains that looked like wine.

Since when did Gil drink wine?!

And who the fuck serves a stripper red wine?

He growled and further inspected the damage. His stove was filthy. Gil had tried to boil water and let it overflow, so the white stove top had yellow and brown splotches.

He then started to see perhaps the most disturbing thing of all. White...creamy dots and tiny puddles were all over the kitchen. The table...the walls...the sink...the floor...the fucking ceiling.

And it sure as hell did not look like soft scrub.

He gagged a bit and bellowed loud enough for England to hear "GILBERT FUCKING BIELSCHDMIT!"

The wine glasses on the counter rattled and his dogs whined and shrank further into the corner.

It was silent for a while before a timid white head popped through the back door. "Yes my lovely, dearest, sweetest brother?"

Ludwig grabbed Gil and jerked him roughly into the kitchen. His face was an angry red and his eyes held a dangerous glint. In a much too calm voice he asked "What have you done to my kitchen?"

Gil had really wished Ludwig had yelled because this calm voice was ten times scarier than the bellowing.

"I cooked?" Gil said rather quietly.

Ludwig glared at him and if looks could kill, Gil would be triple dead.

Gil swallowed nervously, still being held by his shirt. "See, if you were not so angry, I would think you wanted to kiss me."

Maybe that was not the best choice of words for Gil to say but it did work. After a long moment of intense glaring Ludwig released him.

"What the fuck happened in here!?" Ludwig demanded

"I cooked dinner for Dirk."

Ludwig gave him a blank stare.

Gil sighed exasperatedly. "My stripper? Dirk! We fought about this?"

Ludwig face palmed. Of course Gil would bring home a male stripper. That was totally normal...it explained the red wine at least.

And those white spots...

"How the fuck do you make this big of a mess?" Ludwig yelled

Gil glared "Your attitude level is up here," he held his hand at his eye level "and it needs to drop to about here." he moved his hand down to his shoulder level.

Ludwig nearly punched him but managed to growl through his teeth "Just explain yourself."

Gil crossed his arms and sighed. "Dirk came over, I was in the middle of making some noodles right? The water boiled and I threw them in there and started talking to him, and before I know it, the pot gets all possessed and starts frothing and spitting out water and bubbles. You seriously should get that fucking pot exorcized before it fucking kills someone."

Ludwig's rage level just kept on sky rocking but he kept silent.

"So my noodles were ruined, but I went and got Dirk some wine like a good host and then I drank from the bottle, but that shit tastes so bad I choked on it and spit it out. After that I smelled something burning and realized my sauce burnt. Then I tried to check on the bread rolls but those had already become hockey pucks. So I dug in our fridge and found out my shithead brother had no fucking lunch meat so I got bread and dug around and found some shitty condiments and made Dirk and I sandwiches."

It was at this point that Ludwig wondered that if you punched your brother so hard it broke a bone...if that assault or just something acceptable.

"You don't make sandwiches out of condiments..." Ludwig muttered

Gil waved his hand "Hey! You were yelling at me to tell you what happened, stop interrupting!" he said it with as much sass as he could manage as well.

"DID YOU REALLY NEED TO FUCK YOUR STRIPPER AND LEAVE CUM ALL OVER MY KITCHEN? WE EAT IN HERE!"

Gil gave him a blank stare. "Uh Ludwig....that is mayo. I told you, we had condiment sandwiches and all we had was fuckin mayonnaise. And that shit was hard to get out and we ended up flicking it at each other...I do not remember why..." he trailed off, lost in thought.

Ludwig was at his Gilbert limit for the day. No, he was way past his daily limit. He had enough of Gil for the week. His patience was just gone. He whipped a towel from the draw at Gil and snarled in that way to calm voice.

"I want this kitchen sparkling. If it is not spotless by tomorrow morning, I am going to chain you to a bed and lock you in a room with Francis and Antonio." with that, he walked off, grumbling angrily.

Only his brother would have a male stripper as a date and have mayonnaise sandwiches and red wine foo dinner.

Little humor to make up for the sadness!!

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