Twenty Øne Reasons to Live

Chapter Five

Josh's Point of View 

"Where are we going?" I asked, as Kirsten led me along down the sidewalk.

"T-the h-h-h-osp-pital," she sniffed. "I-I-I-I'm sssssssssory, when I haaaaaave p-p-p-ani-ic attt-a-a-cks I st-t-t-utter." 

"It's okay, it's okay," I reassured. 

She stopped cold in the street and remarked, "J-J-osh, we ca-can't w-w-w-alk to t-hhhhhhe hos-hos-pital. It's too f-f-far." Kirsten seemed to be getting frustrated by her stutter now. 

"Okay, I'll go get my car, and be right back." I paused, seeing her wander into the road and get hit by a bus in my mind's eye, and said, "Uhm, maybe you should come with me." 

She agreed. I think she'd agree with anything I say right now. I steered her back to the car and we both jumped in. She broke down the moment she sat. It's like she knew she had to be strong when she was standing, but once she stopped she crumbled into it. 

I drove, and in my peripheral vision I saw her small figure shake. Tears still streamed down her face, and I knew she wasn't wearing any makeup because no black marks, ensued by her tears appeared. For seemingly endless moments I racked my brain, desperately trying to think of something to say, but I came up empty. What could I say that would make her feel better, really? Fact was, she didn't know if Sarah was okay. I didn't know if Sarah was okay.  So I can't lie to her, and say she'll be alright. 

I hit the volume button in the car, and Vessel came blaring across the speaker and I smiled sideways at her. 

She slapped it back in, muting it.

Oh my word, I think I just started a game. I pressed it again, and said, "I want to hear my work." I tried so so hard to keep the smile off my face. 

She turned it off, crossed her arms and said in a nasally voice (from her crying), "And I don't."

"Anakin, you're breaking my heart," I quoted Star Wars Episode III

"And you're going down a path I can't follow."

Now I grinned. "Well...someone knows their quotes."

"Josh?" her voice dropped, and I could see she was no longer joking. This scared me. 

I gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles. Clearing my throat of all fear, I said, "Yeah, Kit?"  

"I'm scared of death..." 

"Oh, Kirsten, don't worry. Sarah will be alright." Darn it! Exactly what I told myself NOT to do...well, what else do you say to that?? 'Oh me too, death is a bad thing....because you....die.....'

"You don't know that..." she replied, voice cracking. 

"You're right, I don't..." I swallowed. "But I have faith." 

"I don't..." 

"Do you want me to pray?" 

"No. No one hear's you..." 

"Aw, come on, Kit. Of course He does." 

"Can we talk about something else please?" For once, there was no trace of irritability in her voice. It was soft, and sweet, and well, terrified. But she honestly didn't want to talk about it, so I dropped it for now. God would give me an opening when He wanted to give me an opening. At least she stopped stuttering which meant she calmed down a bit....I think. "Why are you helping me?" 

"I'm not helping you, I'm just giving you a ride." 

"Why am I letting you help me?" she asked. 

I smiled a little. "Because you're scared. Don't worry though, this is off the radar as far as I'm concerned. You can go right back to hating me the moment this is all over and we can never talk again- if that's what you want, anyway." She didn't respond, so I pulled her phone out of my jacket and handed it to her. "Here, you forgot this at the store."