Twenty Øne Reasons to Live

Chapter Twelve

My Point of View 

Mr. Wood watched me. I never looked him in the eye but I could always feel his gaze on me. The faces you make tend to give away how you feel. But I'm better than most at hiding my pain. Winter break was in three weeks. Sarah had plans with her best friend,  Jenny, and Mom and Dad both had business trips to go to. That means I'm alone...

"Kirsten, what's wrong?" His voice was soft, caring, with some age mixed in there. It was a voice that said 'Hi I'm nice you can tell me all your problems!' But I don't see what other people see. 

It's completely pathetic, actually. I just sit here in this room every week for an hour while Mr. Wood tries to get me to open up to him. He fails, I go home, end of story. 

"Nothing is wrong," I replied, letting my gaze fall to the floor. 

"You've been worse these past few weeks- why?" He rolled the pen he took notes with between his fingertips. 

"I'm fine." 

"You're heartbroken, Kirsten." 

"Am I that transparent?" I asked, a pang of emotion slipping into my voice. 

"No...I'm just trained to notice the small things." 

I nodded. Blinking, I saw it again. Same scene, same laugh, same look, same ending. I choked on the saliva that had attempted to slide down my throat. Never before in my life have I been so afraid to sleep. Nightmares had infested my dreams since as long as I can remember, sure. But this is different. Oh, how this is different. Because I'm happy. It starts out so happy. It was real, but foreign to me. Everything was perfect and I was safe and then I touch him arm. One seemingly harmless touch- and everything shatters. Literally shatters. 

"Kirsten?" I didn't hear him. My eyes were closed, and I was watching it all unfold. "Kirsten, you're crying." 

That woke me up. My eyes snapped open, and I realized I had just traveled so deeply into the deserts of my own twisted mind that I had begun to cry softly, watching the nightmare that was now branded into my skull. 

"Mr. Wood may I please be excused?" I sniffed. 

He gave me a compassionate nod. "Be back in then minutes tops though, okay hun?" 

I bit on my bottom lip and nodded, still crying. When I entered the hallway, it was empty. I looked around at the vacancy and I thought that this must be what my heart looks like. Empty. Cold. Filled up just to be deserted once again. 

"Kit, are you okay?" I knew the voice, and he walked up to meet me. Rider. Detention must of just let out. He was basically in there for life. 

"Please leave me alone," I cried, looking down.   

"I'm sorry for the other day, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to yell and-" 

"But you did." 

He laid a hand on my shoulder, and I honestly wanted to vomit when his emerald green eyes met my own. That used to be a happy thing, but everything changed, and now all I see are two dead eyes of a monster. 

He had taken his meds today. "So that dude who had me against the lockers..." he began and we resumed our walk. I was petrified that at any moment he would snap and hit me. "Was that Josh Dun? Because that looked like Josh Dun....." 

I nodded. "Yeah it was him." 

"Well that's pretty cool, that you guys are pals." 

"I'd rather not talk about hi-"