Twenty Øne Reasons to Live

Chapter Fifteen

My Point of View 

I sat on the end of my bed, razor pressed against my flesh. 

Come on and do it, you coward. 

No.

It's just one flick of the fingers and you'll feel all better! 

I'll feel worse. 

I argued with the voices in my head- something I don't do nearly enough. I give in easily. Maybe I don't fight it at all sometimes. 

Do it. 

Come on, Kirsten, why are you doing this? You fixed things with Josh and Tyler, you should be all good right now! 

This idea burrowed itself in my mind, but still, I wanted it so badly. My hand began to tremble. I was just about to do it when my phone rang, making me panic and I dropped the blade and it clattered across the floor. 

"H-hello?" 

"Hey, Tyler says hi and welcome back, by the way. Here." I could see in my mind's eye as Josh pulled the phone from his ear and jabbed it in the air so Tyler could yell hi to me- which he did. 

I could almost hear Josh smiling. Does that make me sound crazy? Probably, but it's true. "Hey, Tyler!" I replied, trying to tame my shaking voice. Coming freshly from my self-harm state of mind it took me a while to fully come out of that hole. 

"Anyway, we were just wanted to-" Now I could hear him frown. Oh no. "Kit, are you okay?" 

HOW?!

H O W ? ! 

H

O

W

?! 

My pulse spiked, and I rubbed my neck, feeling the marred flesh. My fingertips barely brushed against it, but that little touch rippled my entire arm with goosebumps. "Yeah, I'm fine; why do you ask?" I have no cue if I controlled my voice that time, but I guess I'm about to find out. 

"........Okay. No reason I just- nevermind." He didn't buy it, but he let it go. For some reason, I pictured them standing in some supermarket. Tyler was standing directly next to Josh, who had his phone slightly cocked so Ty could hear me too, and as I spoke Tyler panicked and then grabbed the closest thing he could write on. So, Josh is talking and Tyler is furiously taking notes. I almost chuckled. 

Josh laughed a little through his nose. "What's so funny, Kidaroo?" 

Oh gosh. I did chuckle. "Nothing, nothing, I was just thinking of something else, sorry. Continue." Embarrassed, I cleared my throat. 

"Ah, okay. Anyway, Tyguy and me just wanted to check one more time if you definitely can't come to the show tomorrow night..?" 

"Yeah, sorry. I can't make it..." 

"We won't be in the remote area for like, a few months at least, Kit." 

I smiled at the floor. "That sucks, but I already have plans tomorrow night." This was just too good, I can't. I seriously can't even. 

"What, do you have a date or something?" he rushed. "...Does she have a date?!" I heard muffled Tyler say, and I'll admit, he sounded panicked. 

"And what if I do?" I asked, now smiling ear to ear. Dang they were so fun to mess with. This must be what it's like to have big brothers....

"...Ju......Jus......" Josh was having a hard time spitting out whatever it was he was about to say. "Just no kissing because you're too young for that and I'll kill him if he hurts you- bye!"