Twenty Øne Reasons to Live

Chapter Six

My Point of View

Time seemed to slow, and I realized that all my defenses....all my walls, all my shields- they were all crumbling at my feet. I didn't know Josh so it's completely insane to act this way. I guess sometimes you just lose your mind and behave irrationally. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." Josh breathed. 

I buried my face in my hands, feeling the liquid seep through my fingers. I didn't know what else to do right now. I couldn't speak, I couldn't stand, heck, I can barely breathe. All I could was just be miserable. 

Opening my mouth to speak, a very small squeak came out when I intended for actual words to come out, and then I closed it, knowing I wasn't ready yet. 

"You don't have to tell me, Kirsten." 

Tyler walked out of the room like a zombie, and trudged over to us in the corner. He stayed silent, though. He simply sunk down next to me, and I stared at the floor oblivious to most everything except the deadness of my own mind. Normally my mind is constantly cluttered with an array of dismal distractions and thoughts that I can't beat. But not right now. Right now I'm just in complete silence. It's deafening. This black abyss that I've found in the caverns of my mind is worse than the cacophony of noise, I think. 

Perhaps talking would help break the silence. For some reason it felt the silence would swallow me whole if I didn't do something about it right now. I sniffed, and wiped hand down my entire face. It was numb. Go figure. 

I wagged my head. "She might not............" I pinched my eyes shut, and I felt fear take the form of a knot and it was clawing up from my stomach into my throat. Swallowing hard, I continued. "She might not w-walk again..." I stalled. "S-she fell asleep at the wheel, and her spine is.......I don't remember what word they used. But something is fractured or I don't know.......and.......they don't think it'll heal. She wasn't stiff, she's paralyzed. 

Tyler ran a hand through his hair, and exhaled. He already knew. That's why he left the room like he did. They told her. She was probably crushed, and here I am bawling on the floor feeling sorry for myself. I'm such a piece of garbage. I'm acting like this is happening to me, and it's not. 

"It'll be okay," Josh said, nodding. 

This angered me to no end. It will be okay? My sister is in that room paralyzed and he says it'll be okay. No, it won't be okay. MY SISTER IN LAYING IN THAT ROOM POSSIBLY PARALYZED- HOW IN ANY LALA LAND HE COULD BE IN IS THIS TRANSLATED TO OKAY? 

I composed myself, and let of the breath I've been inadvertently holding in this entire time. "Thank you both for coming, but I think it would be best if you left now." Standing up, out of the corner of my eye I saw them look at each other for a brief moment and then rise as well. 

"Kit, it'll be okay, I promise," Josh said, laying a hand on my shoulder. 

I calmly brushed it off, and said, "We don't know that yet. Once again, thank you for coming- you didn't have to do that, but you did. Thanks for the food, and for making my sister smile. You two are very busy men, so I won't keep you." 

"You're not k-" 

"Please. Please, just.......drive safe, have fun, whatever."

"Hey," Josh said, catching my arm. Not in a creepy "Hey I'm kidnapping you" way, but a sign that I should face him now. 

I turned around, and tired to disguise the pain on my face. It didn't work very well, because he looked sad when I turned. "What, Josh." 

He stuck out his hand, and looked down. I shook it, and he said, "It was a pleasure meeting you, and I'm sorry I messed stuff up. I'll get out of your life now, just know everything will somehow be okay."