Twenty Øne Reasons to Live

Chapter Nine

My Point of View

I realized that I had been hanging with them for so long that I missed my bus to get home. It was freezing and I only had a light jacket. No ride. And there's no way I'm going back in that building. I'd rather freeze and be stuffed in the innards of a tauntaun then go back in there. 

Sighing, I took my phone, and dialed the number. Tears were already developing in my eyes. "Mommy? Can you please pick me up?" 

Josh's Point of View

I didn't sleep a wink all night long. It was five in the morning right now, I think. Or at least somewhere close to that. And I was still just as horrified and ashamed as I had been five seconds after it all ended. What kind of monster am I? I..... I crushed her. How could I? 

My eyes strained as I read down the webpage. I was reading an article about Alexithymia and Paranoid Personality Disorder. 

People who suffer from PPD are usually characterized by having a history of long-standing pattern of constant distrust and suspiciousness of others. A person with this disorder almost always believes other's motives are suspect, or even with ill intent. 

Individuals with Paranoid Personality Disorder assume almost automatically that other people will harm, exploit, deceive, and/or use them, even if there is no evidence that supports these feelings and expectations. This tends to invade and affect virtually every professional and personal relationship they have. 

People with PPD are usually difficult to get along with and have acute problems with cultivating and maintaining close friendships/relationships. Because of this they can come off indifferent, aloof, guarded, secretive, or appear to be "cold" and be perceived as lacking any tender feelings. 

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, that was Kirsten. I didn't understand all of this, and maybe that would of helped me not snap. This mixed with Alexithymia, no wonder she acts that way. She can't even help it. 

I rubbed my face. What had I done? I was just so worried about her. Who's got issues with portraying emotions now?? Oh, and on top of it all, Tyler won't even look at me so I have to deal with that too. Good job, Joshie. 

I closed the webpage, and then opened iMessage. 

Hey. 
Sent 5:13 a.m 

So, guess who wins the award for biggest jack rabbit in the world ever to live in the history of time itself? :) 
Sent 5:13 a.m 

Yep, me.

Sent 5:13 a.m

Kirsten, please listen. I didn't mean any of that. I just didn't want you to hurt yourself again because I care way too much for that to happen. I handled it stupidly, and I'm so so sorry for that...

Sent 5:14 a.m

And maybe if you could forgive me, (which I don't deserve) I don't know, maybe we could just........start over? Because I really do want to be your friend. I wasn't lying to you. I wouldn't do that. 

Sent 5:16 a.m

"Go to sleep, Josh," a very annoyed Tyler muttered that as he rolled over in his bed. 

"She won't answer me, Tyler." 

"I don't blame her," he replied, flat. 

I huffed. "Tyler?" 

"What Josh." 

Words refused to come onto my tongue and then out my mouth. My mind had plenty to say, but the other parts involved in speech weren't cooperating. "...Nevermind." 

He sat up and clicked on his lamp. I don't think he slept at all, either. "What, Josh?" 

"How do I fix this?" 

"You apologize." 

"I've tried, look." I displayed my smartphone to him, and he squinted. 

"Josh, what exactly do you want me to do?" 

"Help me fix it." 

"Why should I?" 

"Because, you're not doing this for me. You're doing it for Kirsten. You said it earlier, she needs us both. So please, help me make it better," I pleaded with him. 

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Has she even read the messages yet?" 

I checked. Nope. "...No..." 

"Let's wait until then before we try anything, okay?" 

I nodded. With a long groan, I crashed back down onto my pillows. They were feather pillows. I don't like feather pillows. I don't like candy corn, either. Or bananas. I miss Butterbiscuit.... He would know what to do...

"Tyler?" 

"Yeah?" Good. He didn't sound so mad anymore. 

"I think I'm going crazy." 

"I know you are, Josh." He paused. "So what happened on the stairs, exactly? Because I know something went down there, and I'm betting it was important to the incident tonight." 

"She just...told me about Sarah, and then told me she has-" I caught myself and swallowed. "Nevermind..." 

He offered me a smile. "Good job, buddy. She told you to keep whatever it was she said confidential, and you just passed the test." 

"Do you think she really hates me?" I asked, looking up at the ceiling as if it would provide me with all the answers. 

"I don't know man, you really cut deep... I don't think you'll be able to just talk yourself out of this one..." 

I sighed, and nodded. I took another look at my phone, and my stomach dropped.  

And maybe if you could forgive me, (which I don't deserve) I don't know, maybe we could just........start over? Because I really do want to be your friend. I wasn't lying to you. I wouldn't do that. 

Read 5:24 a.m

Go away.

Sent 5:25 a.m

"She answered, Ty..." I said, looking anywhere but my phone. That was it. She did hate me. 

He sat up in his bed, wide eyed now. I didn't want to tell him. "What did she say?" 

"Go away..." I muttered. 

He sighed and then said, "Let's give her a while to cool off, okay? Maybe that'll help solve things. Maybe all she needs is some time. I don't think she's the kind of person to forgive and forget a day after she's hurt." 

Ugh, it's always the same thing with Tyler. Give her space, Josh. Give her space and then the entire universe will work in your favor and she'll magically love you again!! Sunshine, roses, and unicorns made out of skittles. 

She's never coming back.