Way Wedding

Self Doubt in Terms of Strength, and Emotion.

Getting back to living the hours that tour required took more time than we had thought and made it to where most of our free time was made up of us sleeping any chance we got for the first week of life as we used to know it. Only now it was so different, we were older and wiser. Being dangled in front of old vices that caught both of our attention, but being wise enough to turn them down for not only our own sanity but each others. However Gerard in particular was someone completely new, he was a new breed of the man I love. Taking what he had learned throughout the years, the earned isolation, drunken stupors, and rough angry sex with strangers to teach himself a new way of life. It was little things like the fact that he traded his black t- shirts for tan and grey ones, and his shoulders were crowded with cardigans instead his old hoodies with snarky sayings tattered over the fabric. My baby wasn't so much of jacket slut anymore, he was my old man under 3 layers of fabric at all times as long as I wasn't trying to get them off of him. The tenderness, and sentiment that we had shared over the course of the tour surprised me. We had hit every road block, we had kissed rock bottom, but were still bobbing up to the surface only to forget to breathe, and envelope our lips to one anther once more. Everything was falling straight into place as we found a rhythm outside of the music to follow in our lives. Like some cliche end of my life burst of energy giving me the energy to keep going and keep running along side him as fast as my short legs could carry me. Only to stay this way beside him dwelling in an abyss of the old, new, and unknown blissfully happy to an almost psychotic point. We planned our lives the way one plans an album, our sex the melody pulling the strings to the lyrics but not defining them in anyway, the shared "I love you's" the lyrics explaining why making love to home was actually so much more than fucking and would be the only lyrics we need until the day we died, and the beautiful ride beside him around this country as we continued the next chapters of our life the art that followed us. As the tour simmered down and some of the band got sick, and my stomach started acting up it was obvious that we were all just a little too old to be doing this. But Gerard was still bouncing off of walls, giddy for each soundcheck showering me in affection before and after I was on stage making the durance of a show speed to oblivion before my very eyes as I realized there was less than a week left on this wild ride before I had to return home and sort out the real roller coaster of my forever.

"For fucks sake." Gerard moaned with annoyance seething in his voice as he flipped over toward his side table picking up his phone that had been vibrating for 10 minutes non stop as calls continued to pour in. Rubbing my hand over my eyes and smothering my pounding head under the pillow that had become shared between us. "No, shit no i'm up is everything okay?" Gerard's voice cleared of sleep as his back left the mattress quickly into the upright position. He paused listening intently, making me shuffle out from under the pillow and curl around up onto his lap so my head could lay on his knee as I watched his facial expressions. "I need you to calm down please. Stop it, stop crying please Lindsay." his voice stopped again as he began to absent-mindedly twirl his fingers in my hair. My heart began to beat hard against my chest making the unknown my soul source of worry. As he spoke to her I zoned out worried that this may be the moment that my entire work falls apart. Their conversation extending but his responses became shorter, and harsher toward her as his fingers halted in my hair I knew that a line had been crossed. "We will just have settle to this there then. Tell Bandit I lover her." he said with a heavy breath before laying his phone on the side table, and throwing his legs off of the bed sending my face colliding into the mattress.

"Baby?" I asked meekly pulling myself onto my elbows. He began throwing things into a backpack, pulling at his phone cord sleepily bursting with an emotion that I couldn't quite place my mind started to swell in my head leaving my forehead to feel as though it was going to open like a volcano. Spilling confusion, sexual tension, and the over whelming parts of our love all over the bed. "Gerard." I half screamed as his head whipped around toward me. His hands immedidaly shoved into his hair pulling it back against his scalp with an amount of force that must have hurt. As his head lifted and our eyes met the swelling of tears bordered his eyes and fell down onto his cheeks with a defeated sigh.

"I just I don't know what I fucking did so wrong in my life that I finally think i'm going to have everything I ever want. Ya know?" Gerard asked flailing his arms into the air before flopping onto the bed and letting his hands slap down onto his legs audibly. "Im in bed with my future husband while he does what he loves and look damn good doing it, we both came out to our parents everything is fine, and then this." he paused cradling his forehead in his fingers making me wonder of his head was splitting like a volcano as well. Instinctively and without a thought I began to rub my hand along the nape of his neck whispering soothing words that made no sense at all, but made me feel so much less helpless. Finally sniffling in and choking out one last sob his head flew up with rage gleaming over his hazel pupils. "Lindsay is trying to take Bandit from me, and if I don't get out to LA to lawyer up and petition for custody before her. I'm going to lose my baby." His eyes sunk further into his head as I stood to envelope his lips in mine hoping that it would help in any way. There was a million ideas in my brain on how to fix this, but every single one of them had already proved unsuccessful by my subconscious. His hands wrapped around me pulling my close to his body as he shook fighting away the melancholy that surrounded his greatest fear. "I love you." He breathed into my hair with a heavy sigh that made my heart splinter into sadness. 

"Everything will be okay." I swore out loud and to myself begging for my words to be proven true and hoping that our love would beat one of the hardest tests to come. Public humiliation, divorce, and self acceptance aside I feared what would come from the vindictive actions of the one and only Mrs. Way. Instead I buried my self doubt trying to be the strong one Gerard proved to be time and time again so that both of us would have hope to fuel us, and our lack of sleep. "We need to get you a flight." I smiled patting his shoulder and reaching for my phone. As I swore to myself that I could be the strong one, that I could hold the weight of both of us. If I would do anything else right in my life besides get the man of my dreams, I would fight daily to save him from his inner demons, and keep his legacy as close to him as possible. Because I had no doubt in my mind that Bandit Way was going to be something really amazing one day, but I had to make it my personal mission to keep her from getting as fucked up as possible.