Way Wedding

Wait

Lighting a cigarette and taking a long drag with my body dangling halfway out of little Mikey Way's bathroom window, I started to finally calm down. Nicotine filling my lungs for the first time in two years was almost a religious experience. The way the smoke filled my nose and made my stomach calm down was something I had almost forgotten. I secretly loathed Jamia for taking away this calm, for taking away my Gerard as well. I had once wanted to love her so much that I made myself go crazy. I had spent my entire life as a freak. In and out of hospitals, special diets, a lack of girlfriends, an angsty fuck with a self worth complex. I had just wanted to be normal so terribly that I had allowed myself to drive away the entirety of my happiness. I couldnt blame Gerard and I's breakup fully on myself. He had been terrible about commiting. Always too afraid of letting Bob, Mikey, and Ray find out as if they would have given two shits other than telling us not to fuck on the bus. In hindsight maybe it would have just been better to plot some "accidental" run in where the guys just walked in. It would have fixed his dreaded coming out talk that I was still 99% sure had halted us everytime we reached point of seriousness. Along with his fear of disappoiting Lynz. To be honest I couldn't give two shits whether or not she was disappointed. Jealous thoughts made a small amount of rage curl it's self around me in it's way that always made me unstable. That often ended up in some reckless injury. Testing my scratched knuckle's pain and twirling the cigarette between my finger I tried to figure out what to say to him, what words I could possibly use to apologize, to convey the fact that has never been a day that I didn't wish he was by my side. As well as what to say to Jamia for why after the wedding I had jetted off to this bathroom until I was expected to be with Gerard. It seemed shallow and a had a full potential of some awful karma but a stomach problem could always cover the time lost.

"Frank, everything is squared away. Jamia is with Kristen." Mikey whispered against the door. A small smile crept across my face, the kind of content one that you see in prepubescent 1970s movies of contentment. As I made my way down and out toward Gerard a small nervous tick that I had out grown long ago set in. The tapping of my fingers together followed the beat of the first song I wrote with Gerard. The first night that we had spent all of the deep dark hours together. It seemed so long ago now, the existence of nights in each other's arms and wrapped in one another's voices seemed like millenniums ago. I realized that literally the feeing of his touch and the feeling of his words whispering against me skin was more like an idea than an event at this point. It had been so long that I could have been accused of being certifiably crazy. It wouldn't be much of a stretch considering how I spent over half of my days faking shit as I went along trying to cover up how messed up I actually am. My talent for it was almost scary, like I could be a total serial killer and because I was so chill in my outward appearance I'd be instantly aquired.  As I walked into the small garage that looked much better on the inside than the outside. This fact mostly true only because the most handsome face I had ever seen was starting back at me. "Hi Frankie." his small voice whispered as he pulled at his tie and unbuttoned his shirt while taking a long drag off of a cigarette. I guess both of us had picked up some old habits today. The irony of this fact malign me laugh I realized how much his beauty struck me in an instant. I had forgotten how intoxicating his hazel eyes were and how I could get lost in them like Alice in wonderland. They could make me dizzy immediately. Not only his eyes, his everything is my wonderland. His body a place to worship, his voice my bible, how the passion between us seems to be weighted as a godly occurrence. One that I just didn't understand because there was nothing reigning above us. "Fuck Gerard dont speak" I whispered trying not to let my tears fall down my cheeks afraid of how that would make me look. Terrified of it changing the intensity of the moment. His eyes sullened their way down misinterpreting what I meant. Thinking I was here to hurt him, to break his heart. To remind him of the lag conversation we had where I had said that o was going to live my life, and love my marriage. I walked toward him and guided his chin up so that his eyes would meet mine. Wanting so much to lower my lips to his to just let them hover. Allowing both of us to feel the breath.  I had always had the dominate hand but when his fingers tentatively tested their nerve by lacing them in my hair he angled his lips toward mine, instead a smile broke across both of our faces. "I missed you." He spoke softly breaking the silence that had fallen between us. I tried to speak but nothing came out. I wanted to tell him so much. How much I missed him, how much it hurt being away from him all these years. How shitty I felt for leaving him because I didn't recognize how unhealthy my outlook on being and husband and father was. A comforting shh calmed my stuttering whispers. His hand reached my for mine studying over the scratches all over my knuckles from my out burst back in New Jersey. This angry reckless side of me one he knew well, the one that only he knew how to quiet. His eyes squeezed shut as if he was absorbing the pain that was radiating not only through the area but through my entire body. I tried to shake my head hoping he would ignore it. That he would just let it go, he needed to just ignore that parts of me even at 34 god damn years old was still as fragile as when I was 21. His arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me into his lap so that my head could rest on his warm familiar chest. For the first time in almost 3 years I felt at home. I felt like nothing in the entire world could touch me. I was invincible, together him and I could see anything, do anything, fight the world.

We sat there for a long time in silence. Both lost in what to do next. "Guys, you've gotta come join the reception Lynz is asking questions and Jamia is quite frankly drunk out her god damn mind." Mikey whispered knocking on the door pulling both of us out of reunion. As we stood regretfully untangling our arms he offered me smile and handed me a note that I tucked into my jacket pocket having no intention of spoiling our last moments together with reading. "Wait" I whispered, grabbing hold of his suit jacket reclaiming my dominance. His clumsy body tumbled against mine as I rolled up onto the balls of my feet and for the first time since our last night together laid my lips on his, feeling the whole world fall away. Letting the hole in my chest see back together. I was unsure of what all of this meant but it felt so good. So right.  That I didn't care to overanalyze anything other than the way his lips were on mine was started to create an issue that wouldn't be able to be squared away with our wife's not even 10 gets away and his brother probably still hovering outside the door.