Way Wedding

Woven Textiles Bursting Apart.

"What's wrong?" Jamia pressed the kids distracted by breakfast finally leaving us to escape the living room for a hushed conversation that send a dagger of deja vu through my chest. Hanging my head in defeat I fought with my throat to produce the words that needed to be said. 

"Gerard." I choked out immediately regretting the decision as the look on her face knotted itself starting at her eyebrows, and tracing all the way down to the appearance of  her lips choking back a sob. "J, you're my best friend. I didn't know who else to go to." I whispered glancing around the room feeling the flashes of rage course through my brain. Raising her hand the same way I had toward Gerard not even thirty minutes ago, the likeness between Jamia and I shining through. Her fingers pinching the bridge of her nose the way she always did when she was fighting words stabbing at the back of her throat. "J?" I sighed with a tone of question pushing too far causing her to turn and flounce up the stairs with a cover of calm. Replicating the way we had lived so many years sweeping things under the rug. Even now I could see the woven textiles bursting apart, so much contained underneath. All of it manifesting into a monster that was rearing its ugly head over what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life aside from the day my children were born. Taking second place to the day of Mikey's wedding, but now dropping down the list into darkness and falling just below the day Nonno died. Unconsciously I found myself balled fist knuckle only knocking lightly on the door of the room I used to lay my head every night I wasn't hiding myself away on tour, or writing and recording in my studio. As the door inched open I caught a glimpse of Jamia's limp shoulders shrouded in white cotton slumped over facing the closed bathroom door. 

"You don't get to run here when things don't work out with your mistress, Frank." She finally said with a voice much more steady than I expected her face still avoiding turning toward me. Cursing under my breath I could feel the monster clawing at my back begging to be discussed and taking on whole new meaning the elephant in the room. "I'm fucking serious. I've taken all of this quite well. I could have taken the kids from you, I never had to agree to be the witness at your wedding. Are you really that fucked up deep down that you never saw how selfish you've been?" she paused testing the willpower in my to drop to my knees beside her apologizing over and over without any remedy to the situation we were facing. "I loved you Frank, I loved you with everything I could. That was never enough, he was the one that was enough. You thought he was the answer to your everything. So much fucking so you tore this family apart. Leaving your children with the same destiny that you were saddled with as a child. If that was the right choice why are you here sobbing on my front door step on the day of your wedding asking me to pick up your pieces? Because I can't do it, Frankie. I won't do it actually, but I suggest you take your ass back to your home and pick up the mess that you've decided to create in your perfect new life. Whether it's fixable or not you aren't welcome back here." Jamia half screamed but her heavy breath fought the volume to a low tone of anger and disappointment. 

"I'm sorry." I said over and over again taking steps toward her despite her raised hand warning me of what would happen if I even tried to touch her. The eyes of the only woman I had ever loved besides my mother dipped up at me as I bent slightly to wrap my arms around her. Instead her fists began to smack up into my chest fighting my grip. "Jamia." I begged not knowing what to do in a world where I at odds with the only people that knew even a decent portion of me. Pulling my arms away from her, I slammed my back into the wall behind me trying to keep my legs from collapsing under me. 

"I mean it, go fix it. Go fix it with Gerard, and when you do the kids will be ready to watch their daddy get remarried while their mommy sits at home trying to pick up the pieces of the life she knew." she sobbed calling my name just as I began to walk away. "I love you, you know that right? One day this will all be easier for me, but Frank I meant what I said. You make it work with him. or you'll be alone. I will never be your second choice again. Or anyone's for that matter, kay?" she clicked her tongue wiping the tears from her eyes a small twinkle of compassion showing just on the edge of her wavering anger. Making the  knowledge of just how much of a piece of shit I am course through my body leaving me drained and every muscle in my body almost too heavy to move.Somehow I managed, and found myself slipping out of a front door undetected for the second time just for my body to melt into the driver's seat of the Jeep seeking solace. Firing up the engine I slammed my hand into the volume dial of the radio forcing myself to drive in silence. In a last ditch effort to collect myself long enough to face the confrontation that laid open for me back at the home that I had put every egg into basket for. The life that I thought I had finally earned. Reasoning with myself as I made the block again avoiding the driveway that held Gerard's grey SUV, but lacked Mikey's rental car. Trying to paint any reason in my head to justify the unease that coursed through me ever since Mikey had mentioned the traffic jam of phone calls Gerard had received all night, and come to a full blown panic attack the minute my ears heard Bert's deep voice on the other end of the phone. 

"Pull yourself fucking together, and be a man not a mouse for fucking once." I screamed at myself finally pulling into the driveway as I slammed my hand down on the steering wheel. Harsh breathes tearing through my lungs, and up my throat as I realized I hadn't grabbed my cigarette box off the counter. Making me face the music with no vices other than my self doubt, as I opened the front door to the same quietness I had left. The only change a note on the counter.

Frank,

     Called you 20 million times, no answer because i'm assuming you left without your phone, this same note is left on text and a voicemail if you ever look at the damn thing. We took bandit out to breakfast. Gerard wouldn't get out of bed, I don't know what happened, but please fix your shit. Gee loves you more than anything in the world.

Mikey

His messy handwriting scrolled along the yellow post it note giving me enough courage to climb the stairs. At least whatever came from this conversation would occur in an empty house I reasoned with myself as I turned the corner off of the stairs heading toward the closed door of our bedroom that held nothing but deafening silence to be met with.