Way Wedding

A Plastic Contrast

"There's not any rules against laying together the morning of the wedding is there?" Gerard asked his chin steeled into the crook of my neck just at the right angle so he could cover my cheek in kisses while he pulled me so close to him I feared he may break one of our ribs. Grunting as a signal of no I nuzzled my head down into the pillow that smelled like him taking in this moment. Marveling in the way the sun filtered through the black sheer curtains that were pulled in front of the window doing nothing to keep the impending summer's heat out. We laid there with the television droning on in the background only focusing on the sound of each other's breath. Drinking in the moment, savoring it like you do a good glass of wine, while I began to run through my vows again. The ones that had burned their place onto my memory the way a song does when I write it. Taking a deep breath in as I finished the last sentence the perfection of it all settling down on me happily. His lips and morning breath laid onto my cheek as I fought the urge to turn around and kiss him open mouth and all inhaling the tiny pieces of him that sit on his tongue on the ones he on his skin that shed each night as he fights to be something better. Just as he always had, since the day I met him his consistency ran just as water against a shower. He lived, and loved to be ever changing. A character attribute I blamed on Bowie, but secretly enjoyed. Just as I settled my head into just the right nook his phone rang loudly causing me to burst out of his cage of arms in a panic that I had no defense to. "Come back and lay down, ignore it." Gee smiled opening his arms to me, but his eyes testing the willpower in me. Before I could even think my hand wrapped around the phone glancing quickly at the number not recognizing it, and brought it to my ear.

"Jesus, Hello?" I asked more than said as I took a seat on the edge of our side table looking over at Gerard. Waiting for a response starting to get testy as a sharp breath was sucked in on the other end of the phone. "Hello?" I tested in a demanding tone tearing my eyes away from his.

"Uh.. I was looking for Gee? Is he.. uh." the voice on the other end of the phone continued to stutter out to me. "Is he around?" he finally finished the question as my brain clicked around like a super computer to match that voice to the dozens of heads whirling around my brain. Like a list of reasons why all of this took so long to happen. As it dawned on me my fist raising to jam into my forehead as I tried to fight my inner self from losing my shit all over this room, with Gerard's daughter 2 doors away, and his little brother and his wife downstairs. The phone disconnected, leaving my hand held to my ear like a dumbstruck idiot. My voice began to seethe as soon as I opened my mouth fighting the burn in my throat telling me to scream.

"Bert?" I growled more than questioned slamming the phone down and against the bedside table. "All this fucking time you've been talking to Bert? Will I never be enough for you?" I choked out tossing both of my hands into my hair pulling it as I clenched my fists around the nape of my neck. "And on our wedding day." I huffed out into the air as a sign of defeat.

"Frank, no stop. It's not like that he's been calling...." he trailed off seeing me raise my hand to cut him off as I collected myself in the best way possible and flounced out of the room. I felt like I was in a horror movie the way my mind flashed in random outbursts of me slamming into the walls. Grabbing my Jeep's keys off the hook I managed to slip out of the house undetected and melted into the driver seat the minute my back hit it. Turning on my radio to my deftones mix tape I whipped out of the driveway going the only place I could thing of. My tattooed hands white knuckled into the steering wheel as I tried to calm myself down, and off of the ledge. Reaching my destination much too quickly I hung my head all the way to the door. Raising my fist to knock the curtains rustled with the burst of many dog faces pressed to the glass. A smile twisted awkwardly on my face as I began to pace waiting in an answer. The door swung open with my back to it, hands clasped around my neck trying to snap it off.

"Frank?" Jamia asked confused a small flood of "daddy's" echoed from the entryway running to crowd her plaid pajama pants that I was almost sure were mine. I turned dropping to my knees and opening my arms so that I got fistfuls if little hugs while I looked up at Jamia choking back a sob my face crowded in messy knotted hair. "Come on in, I have pancakes even though Miles says they're burnt." She laughed trying to lighten my mood as the plastic contrast to my fake happiness cracked disastrously all around me. Faking a chuckle I followed the kids into my old kitchen making me deflate as I remembered how much I had changed about me to be with him while he changed basically nothing.