My Greatest What If - Moira Gokongwei (Published)

Chapter 21

I have never seen anyone naked. I wasn't even into looking at my unclothed self in the mirror. I wasn't sure what it was about the human body that the idea of looking at it made me feel different levels of awkwardness.

And Gio standing naked in front of me disoriented me a little.

"This is what you're getting," she said motioning to herself. "I have never let anyone see me in this state but it seems that you need a lot of convincing about how much I love you. So, here I am, Moira."

"Hindi sa gan'un, G...you don't get it."

"I do. I get it. At gan'un s'ya. Gan'un ang dating sa akin – na kailangan ko parating patunayan sa'yo kung gaano kita kamahal. And I can't blame you. You witnessed how distraught I was over Leslie. But there's something you do not know about me – I do not lie about feelings. I do not play with emotions. Kaya sa huling pagkakataon, gagawin ko ang lahat para makumbinsi ka lang kung gaano kita kamahal."

She swallowed hard before she expelled a heavy breath. "My fear of undressing in front of you has nothing to do with Leslie. It has something to do with the fact that when I'm naked, I can no longer hide behind my clothes; I can no longer pretend that I am your boyfriend and I have to face the fact that I am not some knight in shining armor but just a woman who's in love with another woman. You might not understand it, you might think that those feelings, those fears are baseless, but not for us, not for my kind because we are well aware that we are not your natural choice."

"Gio, that's not true..."

"It is. Yes, it is. Let's not cover that hard truth with a lie. A woman should love a man, that is what everyone says. That's what the Bible talks about. And I respect those who believe that, Moira. I do. But it is difficult to be secure in a love that everyone labels as immoral. As an abomination. It is difficult to feel safe in a relationship that everyone calls wrong."

She smiled sadly. "I'm so sorry, Baby, I know you love me and I am grateful that you do but these fears ingrained in me, which I have been trying hard to fight off are not that easy to let go of. I wanted to make love to you, but at the back of my mind, I was terrified that you might think of it as unnatural. That it might freak you out. That you might suddenly realize that I am lacking. That you do not want me. That the love you say you have for me isn't strong enough to love all of me – to love all of this. And I'm sorry if it sent you the wrong message."

My heart broke at her confession.

"It has nothing to do with you, Moira. Hindi ikaw ang may problema, ako. Ako kasi takot ako na baka hindi mo pa rin ako matanggap nang buo."

My tears fell one by one.

"Kaya ngayon, Moira Gokongwei, tatanungin kita and I will give you a chance to back out. Ngayon lang. Because I would rather that you break my heart now than break it later. Can you love me after you saw me like this? Can you look at this every time we make love for the rest of our lives? Because if you can't, even if it kills me, I will allow you to leave...that's how much I love you..."

I averted my gaze as I wiped my tears with my hands.

She was standing in front of the main door and I walked slowly towards her before I reached behind her for the door handle.

"You're leaving..." she whispered almost inaudibly.

There was no accusation in her tone. No bitterness. Just hurt. But the rawness of that pain reverberated through my soul until I physically ached.

"I understand," she added before she made a move to pick her clothes up.

"I just wanted to make sure that the door was locked," I murmured.