Left beaten, bloodied and bruised in a ditch somewhere, @MadMikeMarsbergen lost the Pot 1 Finals of SmackDown: The Second Coming to @torontojim (who later ended up winning the Grand Finals, too). Now he's back to get some revenge on all you competit...
"Dashing and daring courageous and caring, faithful and friendly with stories to share..."
Mike paused. Singing the Gummie Bears theme tune was all well and good, in fact he fucking loved the song and it was the most played track on his ipod, but the next line was going to have to wait until he'd single-handedly obliterated the advancing alien army.
He grinned, feeling oddly optimistic. Sure, there was no doubt at all he'd rather have someone fighting at his side, an entire fucking army if he was being completely honest but considering he was quite literally the last human alive as every other man, woman and child had been destroyed or bodysnatched, the chances of him having a comrade-in-arms were pretty fucking slim.
As he hopped easily up onto the bed of his truck he fished about his person for a cigar and a book of matches. Finding both quite easily, he proceeded to do exactly what one might expect, and lit the aforementioned cigar. Then he stooped and pulled back the thick, faded yellow tarpaulin to reveal the tool with which he fully intended to use to take out some level of revenge upon the alien bastards.
Mike hoisted the Big Fucking Gun to his shoulder and attached the strap. It was a brutal motherfucker, almost as dangerous to the shooter as it was to the target if the proper precautions were not taken and whilst he was almost certainly going to die anyway, he wanted to take out a good number of the invaders before he did so.
And then, because there really was no sense in waiting, from the bed of a truck with a 'Mad Mike, Motherfuckers' decal along both its flanks, Mike proceeded to fire the Big Fucking Gun.
It fired what were essentially dirty bombs, large bullets powerful enough to put down a nuclear submarine filled with teeny-tiny shards of metal and glass that were released upon impact with such force that they would shred flesh and bone within a twenty-five yard radius.
Thankfully, despite their vastly superior numbers the aliens were piss-poor shots and Mike just kept on firing, and because he was one badass motherfucker it was not at all long before he sent the alien army packing.
"Yeah fucking right, doggy... Go the fuck back whence you came."
***
And that is the 100% true story of how Mad Mike saved the world.
With the aliens gone he was free to repopulate and he did so by ejaculating several thousand times, thus fertilising countless previously-frozen eggs in the process.
Though generations have passed since that glorious day, some say that if you listen real close you can hear the Gummie Bears theme tune coming from space. It serves as a warning to those with nefarious intent for that is the battle cry of the people's of Earth, the descendants of one Mad Mike Marsbergen.
***
"...all through the forest they sing out in chorus, marching along as their song fills the air..."
