Back in Blackberry

Chapter eighteen

Cas didn't sleep that night. He'd had to bury his face in his pillow to keep from sobbing out loud. What was he doing? Dean was his friend, Dean was important to him! He just couldn't stand the thought of telling Dean he had lied. He was so scared, he didn't think he could stand it. And that was when Cas had a feeling that he'd had many times before but never thought he would experience again. He wanted to run away. For just a moment, he wanted to pack up and leave, and never look back. But he couldn't do that. He had gotten lucky once, he wouldn't survive running away from another family. So he just laid there, unable to sleep, but wanting nothing more.

***

The next day at the bakery, Cas was practically falling asleep the entire time. He probably looked like a mess, but he didn't care. He just sat at his table and listened, like normal. He didn't need to talk much anyway. Sam was leaving to get back to his school, so he and Dean and Charlie were talking a lot before he left.

"We'll have to pull you down here for Christmas," Charlie said.

"Only if I can bring Jess," Sam replied.

"Bringing Jess is a requirement," Dean told him.

"Will I see you again at Christmas, Cas?" Sam asked.

"I... I hope so," Cas said.

"I hope so too," Dean said quietly. There was silence for a moment.

"Christmas wouldn't be right without you, Cas," Charlie said finally. Cas attempted a smile, but he wasn't sure if it really worked. They left him out of conversation for the most part after that, which was fine with him.

***

That night, after Sam had left, Cas had his first nightmare since running away. he hated nightmares. He already felt helpless awake, why did his dreams have to torture him as well? Normally his dreams were about people abandoning him, but tonight....

"Why did I ever help you?" It was Dean. "You're a dead weight, you're a mistake. I can't believe you were ever my friend."

"What? No, stop!" Cas pleaded into the darkness. But Dean only laughed.

"You're so useless. Blind people should be put down, they just get in everyone's way. You should put yourselves down. Just kill yourself, I don't need you."

Cas couldn't make Dean stop. He kept begging and begging for Dean to stop, but he never did. Cas didn't know what to do, until he heard Dean's voice again, softer and gentler this time.

"I've got you. It's okay Cas. I love you."