Roxan ~ In My Life with the Beatles

45

Dinner date

"What is it Paul. Tell me" Paul has called me three times in the last two hours but says 'nothing'.

Oh he is cordial and says hello how are you etc. etc. blah blah blah. But the real reason for the call?...

"Can you come by my place tonight, you wanted to see Linda, didn't you?"

Yes, I wanted to see her but he was dancing round the call again "Just tell me Paul"

"Come over tonight, dinner ok?"

I give up "Ok you win, see you later"

I'm working from home so if John comes home I'm here but I leave a note, he hasn't come home for days again and I don't think he'll rock up tonight either.

"Auntie Roxan!" Heather rushes to the door and jumps into my arms. I swing her round and make her squeal. Her laughter rings throughout the house making Linda smile as she greets me then she double takes and sees me.

"Rox you look..."

"Crap, I look like utter crap" I laugh but yes, the last few weeks have been so horrid.

John taking off, not a word for days. My stomach in knots all the time, the stress eating me from the inside out. Some mornings I can't seem to get my head off the bed.

The pillow beside me still fluffed, empty and cold, making me curl into a ball and scream into the lonely room. And I can't remember the last time I ate anything proper.

"No silly, you don't! Come on let's get your coat off and fix you a drink"

Linda's a perfect hostess and has cooked a lovely meal but I can only manage a tiny morsel before I put my fork down. Paul scoffs his dinner as always, but purposely avoids my eyes.

"Do you always eat like a heathen, Paul?" Linda giggles at him.

"Yes" Paul and I speak in unison. I continue alone as he shoves another forkful in "They all have a voracious appetite though after John was called plump in '65 he has stopped eating as much; he worries me..."

"Roxan are you not hungry?"

"Oh its lovely Lin I just haven't been hungry lately I think there's a bug going round" I try to cover up my feelings with a white lie.

Linda and Paul talk to each other through their eyes, not a word uttered.

"Come on" Paul is up holding a hand out to me. "let's take a walk"

I follow Paul through his lovely home to the glass house out the back, lots of plants are crowded in it, green foliage falling gracefully around us, the stars twinkle through the glass roof, it's a beautiful clear and cool night.

"He's using cocaine Rox"

"Well I know that"

"You do!?"

"Well I knew it was a drug, knew it wasn't LSD as I've seen him on that; not pot. Makes me kinda wish it was"

"I'm sorry"

"Not your fault Paul, but I'd like to know who's it is" Paul plucks some leaves off the fern hanging near him. A cigarette hangs from his lips, unlit "Paul, you wanted to tell me, just tell me it all"

Paul takes the smoke from his lips, eyes it like he didnt know it was there then shoves it back in and lights up.

He shuts his eyes, his head tilted to the stars above, then draws in on the cancer stick. He offers it to me, I shrug a 'why not', I'm not opposed to a cigarette here and there. The smoke twirls upwards through the light that filters in from the kitchen window. Reaching the roof, it hangs above our heads.

Paul steps closer "He's...." another step taken closer, his beautiful eyes that would whisk a girl into a frenzy, boring into my soul, begging me not to kill the messenger as he delivers my death blow. "He's having an affair with that gallery slag. She's been all over him, in his ear, messing with his head. Feeding him the coke"

A bench beckons;

I'll just sit a moment, finish the cigarette, gather my thoughts. Paul pops down beside me my hand in his, we have never been super duper close but we are always there for each other, friends. We all are, or were.

I never let anyone too close except John. Because I was stupid! I let my fears carve my life still. Kept myself to myself except for John.

No one came close to my heart...

Except John.

A strangled and tortured gasp escapes me.

It hits sledgehammer hard between the eyes. I knew yet I didn't. I saw yet I was blind.

Another woman and drugged to the eyeballs. I draw a painful breath, sucking the air in sharply.

"Right, ok then. I better get going. Get out of you two lovebirds hair. Thanks for dinner" I'm up and out the door of the glasshouse at full tilt, dashing through the kitchen past Linda.

"Roxan, wait. Don't drive."

I'm out the front of the house in seconds, the car door opens and I'm roaring off down the road; too fast but who cares- no one.