Roxan ~ In My Life with the Beatles

34

Shake Rattle and Roll

"Roxan" John hollered up the stairwell "Wait just a minute would ya? Pleaseee" he pleaded.

Freda stopped dead on the stairs which stopped me in my tracks too. She pulled me back down a few then held my shoulders "Just clear the air with him then it will be all good in the morning yeah? See you later luv" With that she was taking the stairs two by two and reached our level and was gone by the time John huffed his way to my side on the stairs.

"Geez girl. How did you get up here so fast" As he caught his breathe he glanced everywhere but me, scratching the back of his neck anxiously. 

George and Ringo pushed past John saying goodnight with the stairwell echoing their cheery voices. The door swung shut above us leaving John and I alone.

Before he could start talking I spoke, clear and steady "Xanadu"

"What?" John quizzed.

"Xanadu, an idealized place of great or idyllic magnificence and beauty" I looked him in the eye and continued "I WANT to be there and I will keep trying to get there but I am broken and jaded, scared, scarred, quite lost to this (I waved the air between us) and much too... much too slow for you, John."

 He went to butt in, to stop my words. I held my hand up "I am. YOU are on a jet plane, I'm in a horse and carriage. I'll get there but you will have been there and back hundreds of times, don't you see?"

"I can slow down" He quickly answered back.

"I don't want you to slow down. I want you to live, not having to pander to my fears, hold my hand every time a shadow crosses my path" Willing myself not to cry I continued "I'm sorry I think we should keep this thing between us, professional" I turned away but he took my hand not grabbing roughly but as lightly as he could, to stop and turn me back around to face him.

"Wait will ya. Stubborn yer bloody stubborn! You haven't even given this thing (John is waving the air mimicking my movements from minutes before) a chance. Don't you think I should be in on this decision of yours. I never intended to be anything but a grateful prat offering harbour after the storm of me mum's trial and your...... your time. But you have me, already, in the palm of your hand and you don't even know it. You don't treat me like Beatle royalty or a simpleton from Liverpool either. You see me"

As John rattled on about what I was ignoring and what he was feeling, his face was alive with emotion from the verge of tears to that nasty streak he gets when he wants his own way.

His eyes bore into mine begging me to relent, to accept what he offered. He ran a hand through his hair, then slapped his leg in frustration.

"Aa..ahemmm" Freda stood with her head just through the door above us "Ummm sorry to interrupt. Rox there's a call from England for you"

I glanced at John who had moved backwards and leant up against the wall, his head thrown back, looking skyward "Just go, it might be somethin' professionally important"

"Sorry John. I. It could-" I left the useless words behind me and dashed up the remaining stairs and into my room landing on the bed with a thud. Deep breath in and out. Concentrate. I picked up the phone and put it to my ear, eyes closed trying to shut out the previous few minutes and focus on this, what could be an important call. "Hello? Roxan Nicholls speaking"

" "Ello luv, how's me little dirty girl then" HIM. Charlie.

My eyes flew open, I sat up fast and my hand grasped for the side table to steady myself "Charlie" I was barely audible "How? You're in jail" My mind went over the court documents in my head. No parole for years yet.