Roxan ~ In My Life with the Beatles

56

Small Steps

I was still stunned that John had turned up out of the blue, well maybe not the blue exactly. After the moment our eyes met on the awards night I knew he would seek me out. But still, I was stunned he was here, without prior knowledge of his intentions. Still the same old John Lennon marching in; expecting all to fall into line at his feet.

...That he would waltz back through the door and we all were standing ready to bade him hello. He really should have, you know, written me a letter stating point of view..... hmmmm well I'm still joking to myself, that must be a good sign.

I made a light dinner of beans on toast. I had yet to go to the supermarket so rations were scarce. A precious- imported from the UK- tin of Heinz beans was garnered from my stash.

Sophie didn't mind at all, this was her favourite quick dinner. John devoured it too then proceeded to wash up with Sophie. I wandered away, still muddled from Johns appearance, I then shook said worries from my head and went and turned down Sophies bed, then mine, then checked the spare bedroom – He was staying, I presumed.

This is the John Lennon I remember. Plonking himself into my life again, with no prior warnings.

"Where's mummy then sweetie?" John whispered quietly yet loud enough for me to hear them from a mile off.

"She's making the beds, I think" I could hear Sophie skipping towards the spare room so I hid. Sophie wheeled round the corner, pausing instantly as I was nowhere to be found.

"Rrrrrrrr!!!" I jumped out and picked her up as she screamed and berated me for scaring her. John was leaning on the doorjamb smiling his adorable smile... the one that can melt a girl's heart if she were to let him.

"Right young lady bedtime!"

"Can daddy put me to bed?" Sophie turned to John, big eyes and pouty  smile.

"Sure let's go!" John yelled maniacally.

And so he took his daughter to her room, settled her in her bed....

And that night, one I wished was sooner, one I wished was forever... I leaned on the wall in the hallway outside her room, listening...

...Her chattering a mile a minute. Firstly, showing John every stuffed animal and shell she owned and then, when she was in bed, asking him a million and one questions. I walked in at one point and said goodnight, she kissed me, smiled tiredly and continued chattering away.

I left them alone to read a story. She chose her small book of Alice in Wonderland, Johns favourite. I couldnt help but smile as I snuck a peek around the corner; it had been a constant on our coffee table in our marital home in England. John humorously orated one chapter but stayed a while longer after she fell asleep.

Watching her intently as she dozed.

I pushed off the wall and fled to the kitchen, grabbed a beer from the fridge and escaped to the porch. Leaving the door open, in case they needed me or was it for John to find me, I'm not really sure...

Yes silly me... I do want him to come and talk to me and hug me like he used to. It is Winks, remember.

I miss us.

I shouldn't, but I do.

I miss his touch.

I shouldn't, but I do.

"Oh, there you are. I thought I was going to get the raaaarrr, jump out and scare me pants off treatment too" John stuck his head out the door. I raised my beer so he ducked back inside and found another. Unscrewing the cap he tossed it in the trash then, after nosing in my junk mail pile, he walked out onto the porch.