Lams One-Shots

4 In The Morning

warning: not happy 

A life without Alexander was something John never thought he'd face. A life he never even began to comprehend, for fear of it coming to true. Sometimes he wished he did, maybe it would be easier to cope if he did. 

Things were so out of order, like John was a deck of cards that had been shuffled beyond repair. He would wake up to the sun shining through the curtains because Alexander always used to draw them at night. But Alexander wasn't there anymore, so the curtains remained undrawn. 

John would wake up to a big bed, a big bed with only one person. 

Often times, John would find himself awake into the early hours of the morning. And he would find himself yearning to hear the sound of fingers dancing on a laptop keyboard. He remembered when he would chastise Alexander for typing so loudly at 4 in the morning. John found it astonishing how much he would give for the sound of Alexander's fingers against the computer at 4 in the morning.

"Get over him," Peggy would tell him, her voice usually tired and groggy (because John was calling in tears at 4 in the morning (do you see the pattern?)). "He didn't deserve you. John, I swear, you're lucky he's gone."

"I don't feel lucky," would be the response. 

One particular 4 in the morning, John found himself scrolling through Alexander's social media. He was hanging out with Hercules and Lafayette, he was beaming. John didn't understand how he could look so happy when there were tear stains on John's cheeks. 

He scrolled down, there was a selfie of him kissing Eliza's cheek. Her head was thrown back in laughter. The caption was "best friends, where would you be without 'em?" John stared at it, he could feel his glass heart shattering even more.

He was happy.

John slammed his laptop shut, ignoring the fact his apartment walls were thin and it was 4 in the morning. He slammed it shut and pressed his forehead to the cold metal top and cried his eyes out. His shoulders ached from shaking so hard, his eyes burned like there was acid in them. It's been a month, 30 4 in the morning-s. Why was he still crying?

Because Alexander was happy. 

Peggy told John he needed to go out more. When he said he went out plenty, she retorted that walking ten blocks to work and then back was not "living, it was surviving." 

So John took her advice. At 4 in the morning, he left his apartment and went to the park. Where he and Alex used to stargaze. He loved the stars, loved the universe. It was so infinite, and he felt so small in comparison. But he didn't mind, and Alexander used to stare at him lovingly and tell him he was and idiot. They usually ended up kissing under the stars on a breezy night in the park. 

John saw those memories, ghosts of who they used to be. And he felt small again. Except that this time it was in comparison to the life he once led. 

And he started crying again, this time because he was ashamed. He was embarrassed of who he's become. A sad 23 year old, missing his boyfriend who cheated on him in the first place. 

He was pathetic, suffering over someone who clearly didn't want him. John looked up at the sky, tears running down his cheeks. And at 4 in the morning, he finally realized he didn't need Alexander. 

Slowly but surely, John began to sew his tattered life together. He started drawing the curtains at night. Falling asleep to the sound of violin (which Angelica recommend) instead of the incessant typing. 

Less and less he stopped scrolling through Alex's instagram. His name fell further and further into the list of contacts until eventually "babygirl💕" just became another name in his call history. 

The 4 in the mornings became 3 in the mornings, then they evolved into 2 in the mornings and John stopped crying. And he started living again. His eyes stopped being red and puffy when he looked in the mirror. He was delighted when Eliza told him they had the old John-like sparkle in his soft brown eyes. 

It was 4 in the morning when John's phone started ringing. The song "My Love," that was specially set for Alex's contact. John never did have the heart to change it. Groggily, John reached for his phone, swallowing the lump in his throat when he read the contact name.

He hadn't seen that name in months, both a blessing and a curse. John blinked, the bright screen hurting his eyes. The phone vibrated in his hand as the song rang out. Finally, John put the phone to his ear. 

"Alexander?" his voice was only a mere whisper. 

"John," breathed the voice from the other end, it was broken. It sounded like Alexander had been crying. John's heart skipped a beat, Alexander sounded so pitiful. "holy fuck, John."

"Are you alright?" Why are you calling me."

"Cuz, god John, I miss you so fuc--" a drunken hiccup interrupted Alexander. "so fucking much, John. I'm so lost without you and--"

"Alexander," John cut him off. "It's really late, 4 in the morning, actually. I have to go."

Shakily, John ended the call. The screen darkened, and that was the end of it. No blown up fight or sexy hookup. Just a cut call and a dark screen. John's eyes were wide as he sat in his bed. 

"Goodbye Alexander," John whispered, setting the phone aside and settling back into a peaceful sleep. 

self indulgent angst from your fave ;)