Mistaken (Niall Horan)

30. Life-controlling Powers' Quarrel

Chapter (30) - Life-controlling Powers' Quarrel

It’s been two days since Hanya has woken up, two days since I’ve got to know her past. Two since I experienced the worst moment of my life, knowing that she never had it easy. Two days since we last talked. Yes, I haven’t talked to her since then; I’ve been thinking, just like I have been doing for the past two months.

It is terrible to know how Hanya lived before I knew her – in fact, while I knew her too. I can’t believe she never told me. And I, as dumb as I could ever be, never noticed something was off with her. Like, seriously, did I even look at her from a perspective other than the admiring one? How could I not see what’s behind this cute face I love? I couldn’t have been this blind.

That actually urges a suspicious part of me to think that she’s made all of this up. No, don’t get me wrong, I do love Hanya and trust her. But, this is just unbelievable. One cannot accept his girlfriend hid almost her whole life from him so easily. Even if I forgive her, it will be so hard to trust her again.

Ironic, isn’t it? I kept wondering if she would forgive me, or if I could regain her trust, then the whole thing is flipped. I’m in the situation that she should have been in. I never thought about how it would be for her to think about forgiving me. But, now, I know it would’ve been hard because now I’m the one who has to forgive.

And, I’m lost between the choices of either forgiving her and giving her the trust she never gave me or keeping my dignity and losing her forever. Would it be losing her though? It seems like I never won her, so I couldn't lose her. If I had her heart, I would’ve had her trust too.

I try to think from her point of view since I never have before. I stayed under their threat for just a couple of days, and I’m not going to start talking about how terrible it was. And, I never told her about what I was going through. Maybe I didn’t trust her enough either. We both never gave each other our whole trust.

But it was hard. I couldn’t have told her. I was keeping it from her in the fears she might be harmed. I did that because I loved her, and I couldn’t stand the thought of her being in pain –whether physical or psychological. I did my best to never let that happen.

Then, out of nowhere, it turns out she had been in pain before I had even known her, worse pain than I could ever stand or think of. And, nothing has changed; it still hurts me to know that she is in pain. It still hurts to know that the girl I love was ever face-to-face with such monsters. But, it also hurts to know that I was never truly trusted.

Yes, she says that she didn’t want to tell me to avoid hurting me, but even so, I still find it hard to believe her. Even though I know it’s impossible to make all of this up in no time – no matter how intelligent she is, and she is fairly intelligent by the way – I still cannot believe it. Even though I can totally understand what she was feeling, I still cannot believe simply because I can’t feel it.

It’s the same critical situation we face everyday when we choose: a civil war between the heart and the mind. We all are always put in this situation all the time, making choices and sometimes regretting them, other times grateful we made them. Life is just a series of dependent choices. One choice may change every single choice after it, leading to a whole new life: rewriting destiny.

And, because I realize that, I hate the situation I’m in. If I choose my mind, I will never see Hanya again, never get to look her in the eyes, never get to feel free talking to her. God knows how I wished to live such moments again. And, if I choose my mind, I would kind of be stepping on my dignity.

That’s one other thing too: dignity. My pride doesn’t like the fact that I trusted Hanya when she didn’t. Yes, even though I know she did that to save me if I may say, it hurts my ego to trust someone who didn’t give me her trust. And, my ego doesn’t hear my mind. Neither does my heart. And, my mind is a double agent: one time on this side; the other on another.