Lost My Way

"Thoughts from that Short Person" [2]

A certain video brought me back to the point I'm about to talk about.

In this certain video, she talks about how she sunk into an eating disorder and constantly starved herself. When a big even came around and so many people wanted to see her face, she put on that mask of happiness. Later, she mentions that she wasn't able to help herself, but she wanted to help other people. The whole story is not mine to tell, it's hers, but if you somehow find it, then you'll know the entire story. 

The point is, she couldn't help herself but wanted to help other people. 

I'm often dropped into that situation when I learn something that greatly affects the people whom I live for, or when I panic. My mind immediately switches to the thoughts of impending doom, and how what I'm doing constantly is never really... Enough. I might push myself to the point where I want to push myself and then just collapse. That's why when a math test comes around and we have two days to work on it, I write down information from questions I don't understand. I internally panic and want to solve them. I end up getting them wrong sometimes, and then I just stop listening in class. It hurts me when the rest of my wants to actually learn but my mind isn't noticing what she's saying at all.

Still don't understand?

For those of you who've seen me in P.E. class, when we're out on the track, I usually run ahead of you, right?
As I run, I tell myself, "Do it. This'll help you in the long run." And I just run ahead. 
Maybe I'm not panicking enough in this situation.

Let's see...

Ah, a week ago. 

You all know what happened a week ago.

Backtrack to Part One. 

A little extra detail about when I got home--I went straight to my sister and I told her everything. She listened as I gradually started to cry and sobbed my way through what I told her. Most of the time while I told her, I walked around or sat down on the bed and distracted my hands with something. My entire body shook; I was so nervous and panicked that I didn't stop crying for until around 5:20 PM (I get home around 5). 
The next day at school, I set out to find if I could actually deal with stuff like this. I asked anyone anyone who was close to her for advice.
I wanted to keep going, keep trying to solve this thing that had come up.
But one night, I stopped and made me think about my health. 
That entire week, the only thing that kept me going was the thought that I would fix it and everything would be fine and--
And--

Enough, I shouted to myself. Just stop! You can't do much about it anyway unless she herself wants to stop.

--But I'm being there for her, that's making a difference!

No, what's making a difference is that she's realizing things. What happens when she does this kind of stuff. What it does to the people who know.

--She doesn't deserve those kinds of words!

You know she does. 

I was torn mentally. What was I supposed to say to people who asked? How was I supposed to deal with it all?

Mask.

I drew out the "Everything's Fine" mask--my favorite one out of all the ones I had. I pictured it as either a rabbit or floof dog mask.

But deep down, I was fighting a war with myself.

With my thoughts.

With my emotions.

Do you get the picture? I hope you do.

Good night.

You know who you are.

Joesong haeyo.

I'm sorry.