Lost My Way

Snippets [1]

My eyes searched the park, even though it was dimly lit by the soft wash of lamplight.

At the farthest bench, he was there, his outline looking up at the sky. I ran to him, and my steps were all I could hear as I neared the bench. He didn't even turn around to smile.

"You actually came. Hello, Isabel."

I took a seat next to him, and he finally glanced at me. "You're looking well." I nodded, struggling to find words. He shook his head, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips. "You don't have to say anything."

"And yet I want to, Brian."

It felt good to say his name after swearing to forget it all those years ago, when we were just in junior high and knew nothing about commitments. "It's cold, isn't it? I'd offer you my coat, but you were sensible enough to bring one for yourself. And I wouldn't want to get cold myself." Brian laughed, but it barely held any warmth. Strange as it was, I wilted a little. I thought he'd a bit more welcoming after seeing me, given our history, but I was wrong. Truthfully, a small part of myself expected this, but actually seeing it happen hurt.

Whatever.

"What's your reason for calling me to this place? Care to give me a explanation?" He got up and shrugged. "I just like coming here and looking at the sky. Do you see the blues? The blue will give way for the reds and the moon will sleep. The sun arrives, waking everyone up to start the day." I frowned. "The sun didn't wake me up, more like your request to meet did. Is this all we're going to do? Just throw our words around and act like we were former lovers?"

He fixed me with his stare. "We were. And you act like this is a Korean drama--it's not. Is this your way of offending me? I'm Korean, but not even I do this." I stepped back, confusion sweeping over me. "Why are you suddenly mad? It's not 'cause you're Korean, Jesus, that's a far reach!"

"I noticed at the amusement park that we were at that your eyes lit up when Cameron mentioned I was Korean!"

"You think I liked you because you were KOREAN?! God, are you serious?! I freaking liked you because you actually cared about me and made sure I wasn't alone! You took care of my glasses on that water ride! YOU SAID TO RATE YOUR ACTING AND SHIELDED ME FROM THE DRAGON! ON THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL, IT WAS RAINING AND YOU SAID, 'Remember the dragon?' GOD!"

I was full-on mad. What was this bull about race?! Sure, I wasn't going to lie to myself, I liked him a bit more because I was into researching Korean culture, but I liked researching cultures in general! 

"You're acting childish." I went to punch him, but he blocked me. "And what? You're not?"

He shook his head. "We're not going to dwell on this anymore. I have a girlfriend, I'm sure you have a boyfriend. I'm sorry this invitation's turned out like this."

Brian returned to sitting but I remained standing. The news of 'I have a girlfriend' rocked me. "You're not shook, are you? Come on, I thought you were over this. I am."

"Am I over it? I don't know, myself. I don't have a boyfriend, plus the only close friends I have live far away."

"Stop being miserable for yourself. Live in the present, don't hang in the past."

Though the words were what I was telling myself in that moment, again, hearing it from him, from Brian was like a gunshot to the head. I turned around and retraced my steps to the main sidewalk. That's where I began to sob, and the pity washed over me. The different scenarios I'd made up in my mind flashed in front of me and blinded me. I stumbled back to my apartment in this way and crumpled on the ground, crying.

~

After she'd left, he turned his attention back to the sky. Sure enough, the blue was giving way for the red and the moon was getting ready to sleep. "Was I too harsh?" He murmured, seeming to ask the rising sun. Of course, it gave no reply, but he chuckled. "You liar. You wish you had a girlfriend." But he couldn't take his words back now, and it was unlikely that they'd see each other under friendly terms after what had happened. 

Brian stayed until a fifth of the sun was showing, as he always did. When two-fifths was starting he made his way to his car and turned on the radio. As the sun came up, the sunlight caught a glare and Brian turned to look at the source: the CD he'd meant to give her, the one that he self-produced and sang but never showed to anyone.

And it would probably remain that way, given the circumstances now.