Lost My Way

"Thoughts From That Short Person" [4]

12AM, and this "Thoughts From..." was supposed to be a "Snippets" because I felt like I needed to update somehow.

Anyway, here we are, and let's just let this all play out.

If I wasn't clear on this before, yes, I am dating. Would I myself call it dating? To be absolutely honest, no, and God forbid specific people get their hands on my Wattpad handle. 

We said we liked each other, and then I ran away, too embarrassed to say anything else. I'm kicking myself up over that--when a friend came up to me and told me he liked me I said I liked him, but as a friend.

Why did I let it get to this point? Why did I lead him on? 

On that day (the Titans attacked and so did the Fire Nation), I was confused. This sudden confession popped my strategic balloon of getting to know one of the many people I had a crush on (Viola Extraordinaire, Instrument Genius, Don't Worry About It But Worry About It but more on him later although that'll get taken down probably by me heheheh). I didn't need this burden of becoming a girlfriend, I had already set my sights on the "Good Child" path, sort of. 

But no, Fate had other plans for me, and it was like some mild arrow from Cupid shot me and suddenly I liked him. 

The only thing is, we never officially said "we're dating". 

I don't want this anymore, I don't want this lie that I've claimed ownership of. I can't pass it along because my character doesn't allow me to do so and shoving a burden onto others is something I take seriously. 

Will I let this lie grow bigger, fade away, or let it become something better?

Each path leads to hurt--it's just a matter of how much hurt will it give me. The choice everyone says is simple is never simple. The road that I will walk to my self redemption is a gravel path on which no green becomes life.

Moving on, I'm quite lost in life. I don't know what I want to be when I reach of age, I'm scrambling to balance things, and the even larger lie of manipulation looms behind me. Here's my metaphor for life: Life truly is a game, but the game you're playing can respond to any answer you give it. I haven't learned all the mechanics of the game of life, nor do I have any one I ask for cheats. This game is being updated constantly anyway, so what's the use?

I'm blessed, I'm lucky--there are people in my life that can help make these choices and sort of my inventory that ranges from objects to my deepest questions.

Ah I'm drunk on no sleep so LET'S KEEP DRINKING! Metaphorically, of course.

Q: How would you describe yourself?
A: This question fluctuates. I'll be thinking that I'm a great person and that I don't deserve what I've gotten, then "you're just another person on this plant" hits, and then "you're stupid you should have known omg why u do dat just stop stahp it" is like a bomb dropped on me.

Q: People say you're strong. Are you?
A: LMAO WHO THINKS OF THESE QUESTIONS?! (your drunk-on-no-sleep-self ya dumbass) Physically, I'm decent. I do push ups every now and then and I stand and stretch my arms out to play viola and/or violin. Emotionally, if you count squashing down feelings and thoughts and discarding them and forgetting about them, then yes, I am emotionally strong. 

Q: Why don't you  just TAKE THE GODDAMN COMPLIMENT SOME TIMES?!
A: Uh, because I don't deserve things like that most of the time.

Q: Why don't you sleep before 12AM?
A: I'm thinking about things.

Q: How the heck do you get the motivation to do things?
A: It's literally like writing a story--it'll come for you and you'll never be ready.

Q: Last thing you looked up by yourself on the internet?
A: Life is Strange. It's a good gaming series. Life choices.

Q: Riskiest thing you've done this year?
A: Becoming someone's significant other.

Q: What would you spend your money on right now?
A: Well I'm kinda broke at this point but I'd split it between milk tea and boba, music albums, money for the future and if anyone needs money but has to pay me back in the future.

Q: Got any names for anything you own?
A: Names like I made the names? Yeah, sure, I have a big white plushie named Toby and a penguin named Edison Stubbs. Not real, just a plushie.

It's almost 1AM. I'd like to say that no, I haven't had a burst of inspiration lately because I just don't feel it and I hate it. Region auditions and two concerts for Orchestra await me in less than two months now, and I hate it. In short, I hate everything.

Everyone, meet drunk-on-no-sleep me.