Lost My Way

"Thoughts From That Short Person" [7]

Ah, goodness.

I guess by now some people have found this place, right?

Hello then. It's me.

Y-yeah, I'm kinda using this place to try and express my feelings into words, so please don't... Say anything.

The fact that you know that this is me and you've read through my... Stuff... Keep it to yourself.

Anyway, it's been one hell of a 2018 so far.

His mom was going to get me pretty soon so I got desperate and I just spilled everything to my parents.

Everything.

All the events.

I don't regret doing that, but everyone in my family got affected too so I'm guilty about that.

I'm also guilty about being a snitch.

I also didn't get to say that I'm really, really sorry to his mom and I wanted the chance to do that. I wanted to her to at least know that I'm not the person she thinks I am (not sure if she's even heard my voice before...?) and while I know she won't believe me anymore, I want to let her have that idea in her mind.

Impossible now, I guess. 

Sometimes I like to think we (me and Andrei) were just really close because I can relate a lot of things in my life to him, but in the end that's just me and I remember the small details.

So his mom and my dad got into an entire fight over the phone and I tried to push that away from my mind but it wasn't really working.

Regrets? No, I really have none. I just move on and how ever things turn out I adjust and review what I could have done. Coulda woulda shoulda, all that jazz.

I can't avoid any interactions with him--we're both involved in school events (I took out one specific part in a chapter and have no intentions of putting it back in anytime soon but it related to Andrei) and my Orchestra teacher really loves him so there's that.

If someone manages to tell Andrei my @ for Wattpad, then I'll say this: I don't hold grudges. I get annoyed, but never pissed. If I say "I'm pissed" then I really just mean I'm tired and I need sleep.  Anyone who I offend, I never really mean to do so and always want to apologize as quickly as possible so we can move on to the bigger things in the future. 

I also probably should've told my parents in a better way the entire story rather than just breaking out into tears and being completely done with life and sniffling my way through explaining why I'm crying, who this person is, what the situation is now, etc.

Everything happens for a reason. You can pick yourself up from an event and move on, because if you don't, you'll be static for so long that you'll miss the brighter things in life. 

I also didn't say goodbye. 

People who say goodbye only want to see you again/hear from you soon. 

But there've been no developments to my path of redemption. It's only been a rocky gravel road so far. I think I'm still in the land of dreamers, where it's dangerous and my hopes can be snuffed out by the shadows of reality.

Scary world, scary place.

I just wanted to love someone.

I mean I still care about him, no matter what happens.

I probably asked for a lot of things though.