Lost My Way

"Thoughts From That Short Person" [9]

May 10, 2018, right? The last time I updated?

Let's see... It's been... Three months and fourteen days, since then? Every single time I come back here, it's always a moment of self-reflection.

Well, time to get you updated, Wattpad!

1. the week before school ended (which was June 2)- started talking to Andrei again, with the setback of his mother asking to talk to me. 
2. June 4, 2018- got tired of being asked to talk to his mother and we argue. the end result is me blocking him on everything for a week or so, but no communication.
3. July 6, 2018- we'd just left America the day before and we got to the Philippines. Andrei wishes me a happy birthday and we pick up where we left off.
4. August 9, 2018- we returned to America on July 25th. the following week, I hit my lowest point in my life (so far) and it was difficult. bit by bit, Andrei helped me back up again. only... his mom called my parents, apparently having lost patience for me and took matters into her own hands. I don't blame her. I'm not mad at her. so on this day, August 9, we resumed our work on building bridges between us.

And now, here we are, at 5. I ask mutual friends if he's doing alright; they say he is. Instagram bios, however, tell another story. I guess that's how we talk...? Or at least how we see how each other is doing. I find it depressingly (and maybe alarmingly, to you) hilarious that that's how we can reach each other.  But in a few weeks, we might see each other.  It's a church thing. I'm usually the first one to arrive in our friend group, and our friend group used to have him in it before he moved to the high school division of this church thing, but now, since we're all in high school, we'll see each other again. Maybe. 

Well, BTS's new album released today! "LOVE YOURSELF: Answer" s the final chapter to their "LOVE YOURSELF" series, and it's been a glorious ride with those songs. I grew and matured as the lyrics did themselves; however, it'll take me quite a while to love myself. As we all know, loving yourself is a process. It's one that involves coming to terms with all your flaws and insecurities, and understanding that you can't do everything for everyone. That your life shouldn't just be left for everyone else to pick apart, it's for you to build up and balance between your selflessness and, even if there's a stigma surrounding it, your selfishness. It doesn't make you a narcissist to love yourself. That's a song lyric, I just don't remember where it's from. I do recommend listening to it and reading the lyrics--you don't usually do it, but trust me, even if I may be a stranger. These lyrics will touch your heart and lead you to a better place. My personal favorites from the "LOVE YOURSELF" series (which spans across "Her", "Tear", and "Answer"; "Answer" included other songs from those two albums)? I really love: 

1. Best Of Me
2. The Truth Untold
3. Magic Shop
4. Outro: Tear
5. Trivia: Seesaw
6. Epiphany
7. I'm Fine
8. Answer: Love Myself

Today, my friend asked for her book back. Yes, Unicorner1, I still have your book. It's actually sitting next to me, in the same condition as when you lent it to me. Anyway, when she asked for her book back, I told her (I think with a straight face), "Then wait for my sister to finish reading [because she'd asked when she was gonna get the book back]. I'm the one who has the book. What're you gonna do, beat me up?" I was gonna add "or find my address" but my other friend just said, "Whoa, Jess, that's the scariest I've ever seen you. 'What're you gonna do, beat me up'?" I just smiled. Internally though, I thought, what does she see me as...? A pretty satisfied person?

Okay, the thing with me is that if you haven't known me long enough, or if we haven't talked in a long time, you might be startled by the way I say stuff like that now. I've noticed that these days, I have a tendency of saying something depressing and when someone catches it, I just laugh it off as a joke. Almost anyone who I'm friends with knows that I dated Andrei, but few know the current story. I might seem sensitive when we discuss that, but trust me, I'll feel the effects much, much later. So it's okay. I think I enjoy freely talking about it with others anyway :D

Late at night, when my body can still handle it, I empty everything in my mind. That's partly the reason why I haven't updated this since May, but the way I do it is by writing. Nowadays, I prefer writing with a 0.5 GEL PEN  or G-2 PEN (yes, specifically any one of those pens. writing with ballpoint just feels strange to me) on a very long piece of paper (wide ruled, those long paper pads you can get at Office Max/Depot). When I write these, it starts to turn into a letter addressed to anyone. I write the date on them and slide them into a journal, which I keep somewhere hidden (from the paranoia that someone I would rather not find it would find it and read the things). I've quite the collection from writing almost every night. It's kinda like therapy for me, I guess?

When we went to the Philippines, I was able to buy pens and memo papers. I'm really happy about that. And some small journals and books. Sometimes it's the little things that get you really happy, you know?

So sometimes, I really miss Andrei. And I would die, probably, if specific people irl found this out, but I promise you, it's not just the routine of waking up and being greeted "good morning". It's not just the idea of someone like him. I miss him, with all he is and that he'll grow to become in the later months and years. And yes, maybe I did see myself with him: a future together, you know? But for now, I know, I've got to slow down and think about the now. What are my plans for myself? What do I want to do for myself that'll make me a better person than I am already? Improvement is a constant thing. It never stops. I just need to keep reminding myself that it's okay to slow down. It's okay to stop and think about it. It's okay to dwell in the past for some time. Whatever it takes for me to heal, whatever comes to me as I heal, let it be. 

As long as I remember that I should live for myself and continue to be closer to loving myself, I'll be just fine. I think if we all do that, we'll all be just fine. Of course, this is all easier said than done. I know a lot about that phrase. But one day it'll start to happen, and the wheels of your destiny and/or fate will turn. 

So, Future Me, when you look back on this now and you see everything hard that Past Me has gone through, I hope that you'll look up towards the sky and breathe a sigh of relief. You've gotten over these things. What you once thought to be the hardest thing in the world is no longer so. You don't have to be strong all the time, but you've got to keep encouraging yourself to pick yourself up and continue onwards. There's going to be your lows, but there's going to be your highs as well. 

And the same goes for everyone else. Please remember these things. Self-care goes a long way, and working towards loving yourself gives you some of the best results in your life.

I'll be here if any of you ever want anything, most of the time. And I'll be working towards all these things I've mentioned. 

-hoping for better days c: