Stress relief

People aren't my thing

I think having to deal with people is what is going to push me over the edge, it's what's going to make me go insane and I don't know how to deal with that knowledge.

I'm horrible at socialising. I have around 4 friends total and I'm surprised they've stuck around. I have a history of friends betraying and backstabbing me, mostly because I'm not like them (mostly girls of course but some boys too). Most girls my age are busy working on their make-up, fashion, weight and social status. I'm really ugly so I don't think that I could even be slightly attractive no matter how much of that shit you put on me, so I don't bother.

My fashion sense isn't horrible, it's actually pretty good, the only thing that stops me is the fact that I don't like wearing those types of things, I'd rather wear a huge hoodie and jeans everyday. I don't look good in the clothes most girls wear anyway, I have curves but I'm not proud of them, they're in the wrong places and I just look plain stupid. My weight is  something that I'm not happy with either, probably the only similarity I have with other girls. No matter how much weight I try to lose I never look how I want, every time I look in the mirror there's just this overweight, ugly bitch looking back at me, I might as well give up. Social status doesn't make a difference to me, I could spend years trying to be popular and it would never happen, I'm too weird and too different.

I used to have a crush on this guy in the popular group, I've only spoken to him a few times but when he's away from his friends he's actually fairly nice. Obviously, he's had at least 15 girlfriends, all of which are stunningly pretty. I liked him because he was funny and he didn't mind talking to me casually, I'm certain he doesn't know my name, I doubt he remembers me anymore but he made me forget about trying to impress everyone. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not, I'm tired of hiding my opinions, I'm tired of hiding my sadness and my happiness. I'm just tired. But he made me forget about all of that just for a bit. It was a stupid crush, I'm well aware but he just gave me false emotions that happened to be what I needed at the time.

The year after I never spoke to him. There was no reason to. I got over my little crush and everything was the same as before. I felt just as empty but at the same time just as shut-in as before. For a few months I shut down. Everything became too much and I just stopped, feeling. I never smiled, never cried. I barely even spoke, I was able to hide it from my family but at school I just lost any reason to feel. People started to tease me and call me and emotionless bitch. They said I just wanted attention. Maybe I did. Maybe I've just been wanting someone to notice, notice just how torn up inside I feel. I need someone to talk to, to let out every feeling I've felt, every opinion I never shared and every time I've wanted to just talk. That person never came. They still haven't. The bullying didn't stop, I didn't care though, what was the point? Not like anyone would do anything.

I've had more breakdowns lately. It used to be once a month or two. Then once every two weeks. Now it happens 2-3 times a week, but sometimes something different happens. Sometimes I'll be so over filled with thoughts and emotions that I shut-down completely. Not like before. This time I don't even really move, I just lie on the floor with tears streaming down my face and a million thoughts in my head. When I snap out of it it's usually been about 45 mins. Luckily my family hasn't seen it. My parents work all the time and my sister is never home so I spend most of my time alone.

I want to deal with this alone. I shouldn't need anyone else. The last thing I want to hear is someone telling me that I'm an ungrateful brat that wants attention. I've been able to relax slightly under certain situations but it doesn't always work. There's a YouTuber that I watch and I always seem to chill out a bit when I watch his videos so I really am grateful that he makes them. He doesn't post daily videos but sometimes I'll see a video that's an hour long. I'm the most grateful for those ones and I wouldn't have it any other way.

If I were to be categorised I would probably fall into the 'nerd' section. I love reading, drawing and playing games (I'm literally the nerdiest girl out there). Sometimes I'm sad that I don't open up to people, I wish I could talk about my passions but I'm afraid of what they'll say. I also enjoy watching anime (another unpopular hobby) which doesn't help either.

At this point I might as well just try to be exactly as expected. I'll force myself to ditch my old hobbies and create new ones. Even if I don't like them at least I won't be hated anymore. I'll listen to different music and spend more time on instagram, I could learn to use make-up and wear different clothes. Maybe if I force myself to change then I'll feel better. Maybe I'll stop feeling so empty and feeling like I'm going to shatter at any moment.