Stress relief

Holidays and emotions

You would think that holidays means less to worry about right? Well no. Not for me. I've been trying to distract myself by reading lots. I have 9 new books that I haven't read yet but I just can't focus on them.

My house is empty most of the time. Both of my parents work all the time and my sister is either studying at the state library or going out with friends. As she did today.

I don't mind the emptiness all the much. It lets me think to myself. Although sometimes that's a bad thing. When I'm alone I tend to think of everything that's wrong with me. I go on social media like Pinterest to try and get my mind off things but then that just creates social pressure.

I think about things like how I'm nothing like anyone else my age. As a girl there are expectations that I have to meet to fit in with society. I'm definitely not pretty, not even close. I'm tall for my age but that just makes me stand out. I don't have a great fashion sense and I spend most of my spare time reading, drawing or even playing games. Yes I'm a gaming nerd. Eww.

My whole life I've been trying to meet the expectations of others. It's gotten to the point where if someone asks me 'what's your personal opinion?' I wouldn't be able to answer them honestly. I tend to change my own personality and actions based on how other people act and feel. It's like I'm a different person around different groups of people. I've always been observant and the fact that I have echoic memory helps that. I'm starting to think that I don't know who I am anymore. I have a few hobbies and preferences but when it comes to thinks such as my opinion of a person I've found that I don't have an opinion of my own. I only say what I know they want to hear. I talk the way others want me to talk. I'm sick of being people that I'm not but I don't know what I enjoy anymore.

This probably sounds ridiculous. I probably seem like a spoiled brat who doesn't appreciate what she has. I know that I can't keep going like this. I don't think I've expressed my own opinion or given anyone a real smile in years. I'm not sure but the way it looks to me makes me feel like I can't fix myself anymore. Maybe I can't give a genuine smile anymore but if it keeps my family and friends happy then I'll give as many fake smiles as needed.

I tend to get tired of everything. There are times when I just lie down and clear my mind. Those times only come after I've had a breakdown though. And to be honest, I'm sick of those too.